Okay so I completely screwed up today....I think I ruined a REALLY important friendship and to boot my husband was yelling at me for 2 hours today in the car in a parking lot of a store b/c I asked him to be sweeter to me like he used to be.

First and foremost the friendship....I really can't believe how BADLY I screwed this one up. Someone I actually bonded with, clicked with, read each others minds, felt a HUGE connection too, and I screwed it up....When I left seeing my friend today I seriously just wanted to run though a red light and get slammed by the huge truck coming down the road.....I don't know yet where I stand with this friendship, but if I loose it I don't know what I will do....

Secondly, the husband thing.....everyone tells me how much poison he is to me and how much better I could do, etc....and everytime I start thinking that I could....he is verbally abusive to me and he keeps me down. He makes my "protector" come out and she takes the brunt of his abusive behavior, but when she finally leaves me I am so drained and in so much heart pain along with head pain all I want to do is slice my skin or take a pair of scissors and just cut....like you would pig meat (which is fitting for me as I am one)...today I really thought the minute I get home from this distaster day with him I am going to go grab my hidden knife and just slice away in the shower so no one will think anything until after I am gone...finally peace will be had.....

Alas, I am here journaling and typing this post in hopes to wait for the drugs to kick in to just get me to sleep so I don't do that....I did not O/D on them, but I just wanted to take a swig of the bottle. They are my Knights that will rescue me from this hell.