I am not ok. Not in the slightest. I have known this for months but have hidden it from everyone.

My friend thought I was doing pretty good as I have stayed out of hospital for quite a while now. I stayed at his last night and he eventually saw through the fake smiles, laughter, jokes. Probably didn't help that I avoided answering a few questions after a stupid throw away comment about dying.

He lives on a farm and there is so much countryside around...today he just told me to look around and see how beautiful it all was. I'm so lost in my own mind that I couldn't see beauty. Yes it was green...lots of green. But that's all I thought.



I am not ok, and I am desperate for this to end now.