I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Death is not the option. You can reach out to us here but also think about a pdoc and therapist. You need support. If you get into a crisis, go to the ER or text 741 741 and type hello. It's an unobtrusive crisis line that is discreet and not pushy. It's helped me many times. I hope you feel better soon. Thinking of you.