HI Rapunzel,

Thanks so much for your advice and concern. Sorry its taken me so long to reply. I've been trying to think about things alot here.You said that you were wondering if maybe I tried this because I am worried about the future and my ability to get the help I need. That for a fact is true that I am worried. But I cannot tell you if it is the reason I tried this. THere are so many things about my future that seem like its up in the air. In ways I feel stripped of a life. I feel stuck. And I shouldn't because I have a chance to help my father have a better quality of life. So he at least has a family member that comes to see him a few times a week. I try to balance things you know doing for him and for myself and my husband too. I try giving my husband a break once in awhile from going in with me for supper with dad. I jsut cant seem to make everyone happy . And I dont want to seem selfish here. But I am starting to resent the fact that I have this responsibility. How awful to feel this way. For goodness sakes he is my DAD. My only parent .I've been doing this for 13 years now. and its getting to me so much. Idont know for sure if this is the reason why I started this either. My marraige is not good either. We are having problems. I have boundary issuee yet.Ones of going outside my marriage for affection . And I am not liking myself very well for that either. Even when I was in therapy I couldnt figure out what I was wanting to do this for. Thinking that maybe its just a passing thing for me that every woman goes thru at one point in her marraige. My husband is a good provider and he respects my choices. And I think he still loves me. But I on the other hand am not sure of anything anymore. I hurt yet because I couldnt have kids. I just feel this huge hole there. And I thought I had this resolved before I had my hysterectomy 4yrs ago. Yet I am finding that it haunts me now.

I am scared to call my T . I dont know why. Maybe its because of admitting early failure to my so called"graduating from therapy". Yes we do have insurance right now but I am not sure how much longer. They go from month to month on ours. So if he would get laid off after the first of the month we would haveit for the rest of the month then in January.Butif it happens before the holidays here then we only have until the end of this month. There is a scare of a strike too so then we will have no income at all. See there is so much I just cant pinpoint one thing. Sorry to go on so long . I guess after being in chat earlier, I couldnt talk in there aboutthis cause at the time I was SIing. I dont know if it was the fact that I couldnt get the words to come out or what. Or if in fact I feel shameful to have yet another problem and feel like I am burdening others here with it. I Know you guys will yell at me for thinking that one, sorry.Thanks for listening once again and for your kind words and advice. I will try to do something about this soon.

Hugz~
Tryin2bme