What do you mean i got lost?

i feel lost, very lost, i always say im lost, of course im lost!
look at me, how could i not be lost?

how do i get out of this hell?
im scared...

I do not understand feelings, emotions.
they scare me, everything feels bad, its all bad, uncontrollable, unpredictable, bad bad bad

you feel happy? oh no, there is a beating around the corner dont feel happy it will be taken away! you dont deserve to be happy, filthy, pathetic, undeserving;
you feel sad? good. dont. whats the point to feel sad? its bad, uncontrollable, it hurts you. why feel bad? feeling bad is bad.. pain, pain is a constant.. pain is predictable, pain is there. you know what to expect. you know where it will come from, you know how it can happen, you dont know when, but you know its coming, and it IS coming!

the only true, real, tangible emotion, feeling, i have, is Pain.
pain is what i nurture, pain holds me together, pain is my strength, pain is my rock, pain has brought me to this point, pain is my demon, pain is my angel, pain has been my friend, pain has been my enemy, pain has brought me tears, pain has brought me joy, i have found many things in pain, learned knowledge from pain, learned fear from pain, learned bravery from pain, pain has shown me paths to take, pain has shown me paths not to take, pain has grown with me, pain has been there for me, always, pain, always, pain.
pain has given me nurture, i have nurtured wounds to my mother, i have nurtured wounds to myself, i have inflicted wounds to myself, to nurture my own wounds, i have watched my wounds heal, to re-inflict the same wounds to bring back my friend pain, i dont want to be alone, pain cant leave me, without pain i am empty, without pain i am afraid, because those other damn emotions that are scary will come and ruin everything

they will come and ruin everything

dont...

without pain what am i?
seriously, what am i without pain?
i want to know, i really really want to know what am i without pain?
because there is nothing inside of here, nothing, nothing without pain, it is all damaged, it is all broken, it is all ****ed up.

i know pain, i know fear...
they are my demons... they are my friends... i hate them... i hate them so much...
i love them... i love them... i love them.... dont leave me ever.... without them i am empty.... without them i am afraid... without them i do not know what i am

without them i do not know what is happening, what to expect, what to feel

to cry? to die? to dance? to laugh? NO - comatose.... i stare.... the wall blinks at me, i gaze into the paint... waiting for an answer... the wall blinks at me... nothing comes... no ones there... i dont want to be alone without the pain, i dont want to be alone to remember...

**** you....

i hate this planet.... im just being stupid.... its true, why am i saying all of these things....

pain is my friend.... its always been there.... i dont know what to do....
i want to get better... im fighting hard... but im afraid of whats coming.... im afraid... im afraid to feel...

you know...? do you know what i mean?
does any of my gibberish make sense?

i zone out and write this trash.... so im sorry

i think its just that im trying to do this new stuff, im trying to be human... i've never been "human" before, im trying to have emotions, trying to have feelings, trying to allow myself to just be... simple.. its so simple, just allow yourself to be, its scary, everyone must feel that scaryness, right? sure.. im sure they do, why wouldnt they, maybe they dont get terrified like me, but sure they do, sure.

anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, and surprise

anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, and surprise
anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, and surprise

anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, and surprise

get it into your head... repeat it... repeat it.. FEEL IT damnit

why is NUMB not on the list? why is PAIN not on the list?

those are the emotions i have... Pain, Numb, Fear....

enough, is enough...

I saw the new therapist today.... I think im going to quit going to therapy...
I dont see how it can help me any more to continue going to therapy...
my current Therapist says she doesnt think she can help me further...
This new therapist pretty much stated the same thing my current T says, that its my environment... my environment is so Loaded with Triggers that there is no way possible that i can EVER recover or heal until i GET OUT. PERIOD.

so whats the point in therapy.... i need to stop... oh no suicidal thoughts...

i just dunno how im going to escape this trap.... this hell... im trapped... i told the new T that i feel trapped here... and he said no, you are trapped... unless i do something huge to get out of this situation things are just going to continue to get worse until i kill myself or over dose on drugs accidentally trying to get high....

the new T seemed really intelligent but he made me cry in the first session so i dont know what to do with him... i just want all of this to be over... why cant all this just be over...?