he's ok....
i think he gets it
he mentioned the same thing my current T mentions... Developmental Trauma...

besides the drug thing, i dont like it when people tell me to stop getting high~
but thats given, right? duh....

sorry about writing the way i do, its frustrating, i know...

i have an appointment with him on the 20th... so i have that time to think about if i will see him again or not... appointment with my current T on the 5th to talk about stuff... ill tell her about this experience... and she wants to talk about if we will continue to see each other or not....

this is my living situation....
without me going into too many details

I live with my dad.
dad is not very emotionally understanding or supportive, he does not understand mental illness or really believe in it.
Go pray, Go to jesus, Go to church. (hypocrites)

My child hood was not ok. parents were not ok. abuse. neglect. drugs. ect.
parents were not there for me.

parents are not really there for me today.

dad takes me to appointments though, because I can't drive.
I have phobia about driving, fear of driving.

i have severe anxiety, has kept me from working, never had a job, have no income, cant support myself, cant buy my shoes, socks, cigs, whatever.

my dad supports me, i feel i've developed a branch of stockholm syndrome

i want out. but im too scared to leave my cage

the door is wide open, the breaze outside feels ok..
but im terrified to step outside the door

whats outside? what waits for me there? what if i cant handle what i see? what i feel? what to expect? what if its too much?
what if? what if? what if?

this is my situation

im trapped in my mind, im being held prisoner, and i am the warden...

I HATE MYSELF

but no i dont...

grrrrrrrrrrr

cognitive dissonance drives me crazy... my head spins... i believe this, my mind shifts, no i dont believe that... i cant believe that!
then my belief changes drastically, my feelings changes drastically, my desires, fears, lock in, i become terrified, paralyzed

i want out.

i want out.

i want out.

i want out.

i am a prisoner....

i am in hell.... this is my hell...
im desperately trying to figure out a way to fix it....

the answer is so simple.... its so simple....

i know its so simple.... but when you are the prisoner... when you are the paralyzed terrified child shaking in the corner drenched in piss because you were just beaten by your own thoughts.... how can you tell yourself to just get up and walk out the door...? how...

how.........