Think about it like this......

Hi, I am 34 and I have been married to a man who is in the service and I have been with him for a little over 10 years now. I have basically focused on being a mother and a wife and my marriage for a few years now has been basically that of us being room mates. I have been so busy with my children and honestly, I have been lonely and bored and I am realizing that my life is slipping away and I don't have an identity of my own. I basically got married really young and I did not get a chance to really be on my own, my first marriage did not work out and ended in divorce and I met my husband and fell in love with him and got married again. But, now I realize that I still did not really get to have a life of my own, not really.

So, one day I happened to catch my husband engaging in a kind of online romance with another woman. When that happened it really hit me, "what am I doing?", I don't really have a social life, I did not really have a marriage, I mean we basically just shared a home, we were strangers really.

So, next thing I know my husband is off on deployment and I am really seeing how very alone I am, and him interacting with another woman makes me feel like he just doesn't care tbh. He says he stopped talking to this other woman, but for all I know he is still talking to her while he is away on deployment. He was not really loving towards me, our relationship was not really a relationship. Yeah, he apologized, but, honestly it is not feeling like he is really all that sorry and now I just don't trust him. We connect and I interact, but honestly I am just not happy. He brings flowers and says he is sorry, but that just doesn't mean anything to me, I was an unhappy person for a long time, more then he realizes and I don't want to be that person.

So, I decided to make some changes, after all, if I am going to change anything I will need to have an education and a job and I have decided to go to nursing school. It's hard going back to school, to read all this stuff and Nursing school is hard. I only hope I can make it and actually get a nursing degree.

Well, I also met this guy, and he's married but we really hit it off and we actually TALK. It made me realize how much that was missing in my marriage, how lonely I really was. I know this guy is married but it's so nice to have someone who I can talk to, who I can get advice with, and share where I am and that I am trying and how nursing school is hard. I like how this guy has faith in me and is so supportive about my biting the bullet and making an attempt to be somebody. Idk, I find that I like this guy more and more and it's confusing. I have also made friends too, god, I missed that as it's so nice to have other adults I can talk to and I had not realized how I had missed out on that, how isolated I really was.

Sigh...Idk, I need time to think and I don't want my husband to come back home when he gets back either. I want to finish school too, and honestly, it's such a challenge and if I am going to finish, I need people around me that are supportive of that. The more I am around others, the more I realize how much I was so bored and hated my marriage. I loved my husband but that just wasn't enough and since I caught him romancing that other woman, honestly, that just made me realize even more that I really was "alone".

Well, this other guy? Well, we stay up late just talking and I am finding I really like that, never really had that with my husband. And I have stayed over his house when his wife was away and we stayed up talking. He is bored in his marriage too, it's nice to have someone who can relate. Idk, for the first time an a really long time I feel "alive". I don't want to go back to that dead life I had.

So, my husband came back and I told him I needed space and he is not living home. I want to focus on school, but I also want to be with friends, I don't want someone telling me what I can and can't do. When I see him now, all I feel is how he was cheating on me and how lonely I was in my marriage and how much I don't want to go back to living like that. And when he does come around he gets demanding and wants to know what I am doing etc. and I am finding I don't want that either. And he keeps asking me to decide and I feel pressured because I am not in any way ready for that right now.

I can't afford to support my children and be on my own right now, I have to finish nursing school and it's hard, nursing is hard, gotta keep focused. My friends tell me to focus on that, take time for myself and let him pay the bills and be a father and spend time with the children. I have to do that all on my own when he is deployed. If I get a degree in nursing I wont be so dependent, I don't want that anymore, I want my own life too.

So, he comes around and wants answers, but honestly, I just don't have answers right now, only that I was not happy and then he began flirting with other women, he says it's only one and he's sorry, but honestly, I don't know what to believe. I am finding that not only did I hate what he did, but I hated how boring our marriage got and when he comes around, that's all I think of. And honestly, now that I have experienced a guy that I can actually talk to, that actually takes an interest in me, I don't think I can go back to the life I was living. I do love him, but, I don't know if he can be that kind of person where I can feel I have a partner and someone I can really talk to. Sigh, I don't go back to that kind of life, that much I know. I just feel so lost right now.