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I just automatically feel so low. It’s not even something I can control or choose –and I read a lot of self-help/improvement books…
It just happens. And usually as soon as they go out, I feel like a great physical and mental weight has been lifted…
I also can feel rubbish that I take after this person slightly more than my other parent, as children do in families, in looks and temperament/personality. And I feel rubbish because I feel like I must also have the same effect of the person who I’m typing this post about, on others too (and in past relationships, albeit when I was younger than I am now, I Have been labelled as ‘controlling’ or ‘needy’).
Since I was very young there have been certain things that have happened and been said, all involving this person. These are perhaps a factor in why I feel the way I do around them. I don’t think I have ever really felt very close or okay around them, even during the teenage years…
They tend to be very negative and mistrustful about everything, they have often shown some form of disdain when one of my parents is going out anywhere; this could be anywhere from seeing their family; who only live a few miles away, or going in to town, and well I just don’t feel very close or happy around them as a result I think :/
They don’t appear to care much or show a lot of empathy when individuals in the family have problems or are sad or angry or worried about something, but they expect people to listen and care when they have problems or are sad etc. They have also, on many occasions, compared their own past/childhood woes to anyone who lets this person know that they are feeling troubled at the moment. Such comments would include “you think you have it so bad, when I was young…” “You should be ashamed, when I was a kid I…” etc.
They have said comments to me throughout my life such as “what are you, a moron?” when I couldn’t ride a bike properly for the first time and “onto the next fashion statement then” when they found out that I had stopped eating (due to constant bullying at school because I had a physical handicap/illness; I had been self-harming previously to this and for this same reason).
They have insulted waiters in restaurants when we would go out as a family; when the food was cold or just not fit for consumption. They have also insulted members of one of my parent’s families more than once. Whenever anything happens it is me who will usually get the blame for it; I was told that “it’s your fault we argue” on more than a few occasions. My sibling rarely can do any wrong, though these roles have somewhat swapped around in the past.
A few other things have happened throughout my experiences/life with this person, including threats and smashing things, but I don’t wish to keep going in to detail about them all at the moment.
I am not too certain about how my other parent feels about it all, but they have told me in the past that they just want ‘an easy life’…
I don’t really know what I should do about it all
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