Recent developments show - if a spouse doesn't want M or a person enough, it's pointless to try.

I fought for my marriage during the last few years. I researched what was happening when this first began nearly 4 years ago. I consulted with those in the 'industry' who were exposed to similar situations for advice and counsel. It was one roller coaster ride after the next. I wasn't consistently here at the forum to update as things were in flux.

My spouse was going through a midlife crisis. And with it, came all of the rage, deceit, lying and chaos that such a condition brings. I decided to try because it was hard to access whether the marriage could (?) work or not in such a state.

This is similar to when your relatives or friends tell you NOT to make decisions, or respond to someone who hurt you, when you were still angry or upset & emotionally charged. The consensus being that the frame of mind, was not one with which to think logically.

Similarly, judging a spouse or the hope for a marriage is not unlike this during crisis. Crisis is crisis ... The conditions are too volatile during a crisis to make an accurate decision. It needs to give itself expression, run out of steam before healing can begin.

About a year or so my spouse, began returning to the marriage. It was 'incremental,' slow & still shaky, but evolving. In spite of this, I was cautious but continued to work on it (I had been through too much myself and am also in midlife, so 'proceed with caution' was my approach).

We had had two (in particular) raging arguments and after that, my 'deal breaker' was that we get help or we end it. He resisted marriage counselling, actually any counselling. However, I told him we needed help - & that it was clear that we couldn't help ourselves.

After a few weeks and more conversations, he agreed. I also felt that if this were psychologically based that there might be the possibility of progress for the marriage.

Side note:
Apart from the few (I admit) midlife recovered marriages, I saw 'Sex, Lies & Obsession' with Harry Hamlin & Lisa Rinna on Lifetime television. I was with a friend that day. We were going through similar experiences.

The movie is based on a true story. Hamlin is a sex addict (my spouse is not though). The point is that the couple was willing to work together and succeeded because there was honesty (after initial resistance & denial) of course, and because Hamlin's character wanted the marriage badly enough to get help & seek counselling ... the '12-step program'

In situations like these, psychology may help (if the therapy is effective & you don't end up with a nut bar ). My viewpoint is to try ALL before walking away. What I was also trying to determine was if my spouse had a character flaw to begin with. Unlike 'one's personal psychology,' character is much harder to treat - if at all !!! So I was looking for 'clues on the radar' for that as well...

It was lack of employment issues with a milestone birthday, that had him unravel into crisis to begin with. Recently, when things gradually began to improve, he moved toward his old self and all was beginning to look like it did 'pre-crisis'.

So there we were, working for the marriage. Things began to improve for him professionally. His mood and demeanour changed and he discussed how we would turn our lives around and make up for all that we lost! He as well meaning, as hope for him appeared after many frustrating years. Day in and day out we tried in our way. He had asked me 'to understand' the quirks ... so we plodded along one day at a time. BUT (!!) ... Time would reveal a character flaw and I ended up 'being played' and 'unceremoniously discarded'.

This happened when things improved much, much MORE professionally for him than either of us expected it to. The prospects were rolling in. He was VERY, VERY lucky. - the opportunities were not unlike winning the lottery! And suddenly, I was not good enough & with that, interest in counselling also went out the window. He simply 'up & left!' Humiliation covered me - I couldn't shake it off.

I was shocked (emotional) although I never put all my eggs in his basket (logical) - after all, so much of my trust was dismantled by then. In spite of that, I couldn't stop thinking about it! After all, we were working TOGETHER on this new path ... & we were. However, the 'generous glittery life fortune that the Gods bestowed on him', was too great to resist. And with that, it was like a switch - switch on - $$$$ ? switch off!
I felt so humiliated.

I am managing a bit better now after a month. It was simply about how it was handled. I was discarded & abandoned with all the problems here at home with my teen and few resources (He said he will send some money for the child. He is just settling into his new life with wealthy friends and impressive networks. A lot of things to do when you move up like this)

He has also resumed lying (!!) about me again. I think this is about conscience but it is no longer my concern. He is my past although sometimes i still feel hurt.

Right now, my focus is to take care of to be there for my teenager, as the teen years can be frequently challenging. I also have to focus on getting an income