I am sorry you have suffered this horrific abuse. Yes, abuse is the only word that describes what your "therapist" did to you.

What I know from my experience is that victims of such abuse stay confused with lots of mixed feelings for a long time. I am glad you are currently in therapy that feels like real therapy and I hope your current therapist will be able to help you process your conflicted feelings, find your own clarity about what happened and, most importantly, what you want for yourself in this situation.

You are not responsible for the abuse. The responsibility rests with the one who was supposed to fulfill his professional duties but didn't do it.