"Can you care and abuse at the same time?"

Yes, you can because in your mind you care.

Abuse is not a conscious decision. No one decides one day "it'd be fun to abuse this person so why don't I do that". Abusers never believe they are doing something wrong and often they feel they care about the victim.

The victim (in this situation specifically) also often feels cared for and it's usually because people who become victims often don't know what real care is, they have not experienced much of it in their life so they have a rather weak capacity to distinguish a genuinely caring behavior from the one that feels like caring but is not.

"Have I spent the last 3 years...paid $30,000+ out of pocket...to be abused?"

No, you haven't. You, as many therapy clients, were emotionally vulnerable and not in a good state of mind to see clearly that you were taken advantage of. You were not in a position to exercise a sound judgment. Your "therapist" was in a position to do that due to his professional role. It was his responsibility, NOT YOURS, to make sure that the professional relationship stays professional. This is not to say that you shouldn't try to understand yourself better and to understand what specific individual vulnerabilities made you a target of exploitation. I think it's crucial to understand that in order to be able to better protect yourself in the future. But don't confuse understanding your emotional process with being responsible for the abuse you have suffered. Your emotional problems that made you susceptible to abuse do not take any bit of responsibility away from the abuser. The abuser is the only one responsible for the abuse. Period.

"I wanted it. I wanted to be special. I know that I hold at least half of the fault in this. "


No, you don't. You don't hold any of the fault in this. Your wanting to be special was no excuse for the "therapist" to forget his professional role. I don't care if you asked him to do what he did. I don't care if you insisted. I don't care if you enticed. I don't care if you seduced. I don't care you danced naked to get what you wanted. It doesn't matter what you did in that relationship. He had full control of his own decisions and his own actions. He made a choice to behave the way he did. As a therapist, he should've known better. He should've known that when people come to therapy they are quite unconscious of their needs, desires and motivations. It was his job as a therapist to help you become more aware of your needs and desires, NOT TO ACT THEM OUT with you.

"I just don't know how to survive it."

You will survive if you set your intention on surviving but it will require putting yourself first and not giving in to feelings of caring about the abuser, which many victims experience because they don't want to cut the cord. Take it from someone who has been abused by therapists and has survived it.