I also know that when anger take over (which goes far beyond) JUST a wounded heart, wise decisions go out the window because it is the emotional mind that has taken control. I also know from personal experience that the anger of feeling trapped in a marriage with no skills to care for one's self when it becomes realized is a lot more difficult to get over than just a wounded heart also.

When things are set in motion by EVEN a text to a woman what is set in motion is a lot more than just that wounded heart.

From personal experience if nothing is done to fix the anger as in working together to give her a real understanding (not just nice words) of a real cooperation & being on board with her realization of her need for her own identity, that anger only grows & she may not even be aware of it. I know that the anger I went into my marriage with & didn't even realize what it was at that time, only grew with each action (not words) that in reality countered that need I had.

Yes, a bad marriage grew & should have been ended but the reality of what was REALLY going on I didn't understand until after spending 33 years in that bad marriage mostly based on my anger that grew instead of any love. Realized love had never been there.

I think your wife's REAL reason for her behavior should be looked at & what exactly needs to happen in her opinion& in yours to bring it back to a marriage that is acceptable to both.

No more texting women (obviously your text wasn't just innocent business) & male friends are not acceptable for her. Acquaintances are one thing, close friends are another. I worked in an almost all male computer engineering career & did a lot of activities with guys I worked with like racquetball at lunch & group lunches....but even in my bad marriage I NEVER had a relationship other than work acquaintance with any of them....so what she is doing with the guy is not ok if the marriage is ever to work but....getting all the not ok's out on the table & agreed on & there is no reason why child care can't be arranged while she is finishing off her education....that would be all part of the agreed upon demands on both parts.

For me, that was a key issue in my anger toward my H because I went into the marriage with the understanding that ABSOLUTELY NOTHING was going to get in the way of my degree....he agreed. Then when I ended up pregnant the first thing he said was "oh, you can JUST take 5 years off school until the child is old enough for school". That was when the REAL WAR began. I needed support not that kind if idiot male thinking. It worked out but honestly the feeling of anger that hit from that never did go away because I always felt I needed to keep a watch out & fight to protect my right to being an individual in the marriage.

What I am trying to get across is that what you may be dealing with is a lot more than just her being hurt by finding the text. She very well may be feeling totally not supported by you in her finding herself & the anger in that feeling ends up coming out in very wrong ways because maybe she feels your real support of her need really isn't there.

Unless you BOTH get on the same page to support each others needs, you might as well write off the marriage but MAYBE she keeps hoping that you will come around to meeting her need which might be why she is stalling with getting the divorce. I know STUPIDLY I kept hoping my H would change.....it NEVER happened but I kept hoping for 33 years while my anger just kept growing....I now understand why he was incapable of change, or support, but most guys don't have the ASD & both H & W are capable of making the changes needed to make a REAL marriage work & come to the needed agreements.

We aren't hearing her side....but if it's anything like with me, I didn't recognize my own anger at the beginning....just thought it was frustration as I was not able to understand my emotions at that point in my life due to the dysfunctional family I grew up in. When depression hit me badly, they kept saying depression is anger turned inward....even after 20 years in the marriage I didn't recognize the anger I was REALLY feeling & holding onto.

There are a lot more emotions that are going into the mess you are dealing with than what you even imagine & if she IS waiting to see a sign in/from you to know what she really wants to do with the marriage then she needs to communicate that just as you are rightly communicating what you expect....she is just demanding friends but she needs to figure out what support & actions she really needs from you so she can feel secure in her future career. The resolution of meeting her needs is something both of you should be working on so she doesn't have to depend on that male friend for the support she is needing & looking for in him.