Let me just start off by saying I’ve suffered from depression my whole life. I remember being 5 years old and telling my mom all the time that I felt “cheap”, she would play it off and say “that isn’t an emotion sweetie”, now that I am an adult I feel resentment towards her neglect and the way she played off my emotions. Maybe if I had gotten help at a young age, I wouldn’t feel so hopeless today.

In February I was dumped by a man I was with for six years. I have a drinking problem, and it became too much for him to handle. I am 23 years old, and am living back at home with my dad. I feel like a total failure and a loser. My anxiety and depression have made it almost impossible to hold a real job, dealing with people makes me so anxious that I will stay in bed all day. My sister came up for a visit (she lives 12 hours away) and asked me if I’d like to come home with her for a week. Eager to get away from the place where I was miserable, I said yes and went. When I got to her home (it’s much warmer where she’s from), I immediately felt at home. She then asked me if I wanted to stay for the summer, so again I said yes. We went on bike rides everyday, took our dogs for walks, went to movies and nice drives to overlook the lake. Everything was going good for me, I even got a part time summer job with people I enjoyed being around.

Now is where the trouble starts. As mentioned above, I have a drinking problem, as does my sister. We both went out to celebrate our sister in laws birthday, and had a lot to drink. I ended up puking in my sister’s bed that night. At first, she was okay I helped her clean it all up and she asked if I could buy her a new duvet, and I said yes. Then, when night time rolls around and it’s time for her to sleep she freaks out and starts crying that she can still smell the puke and that she needs a brand new bed. She has been ignoring me for two days now, and I can hear her talking hatefully about me to our family. She was my one support that helped me cope with my break up and kept me afloat. Not having her in my corner anymore is causing me to rapidly deteriorate and the happiness I felt is so far away. I know that I can’t rely on another person to keep me from being depressed, but the rejection and humiliation I feel has me contemplating suicide.

When I was back at home, fresh after the break up I would sit in my dark room and cry. I hated myself and would think about how I could die without my dad coming home and finding me. I told myself that I would give my dog to a friend, and then go to a park somewhere and take a cocktail of all the pills I’ve been given to treat my diseases (anxiety and depression and insomnia), and hopefully fade away. I had a plan and everything, and then my sister came and made everything better for a while. I feel lost, hopeless, hated, stupid, and disgusting. I just want to feel normal.