When I first became symptomatic again (around 5 years ago), I was completely out of my mind. I was very very manic, then very very mixed and then into a crippling depression. It was still the worst episode I've ever had. I blame the extent of my illness at that point to the fact that I had no idea I was sick. I had no idea that I could possibly be out of my mind. It was a crushing psychotic break and I had become deeply insane.

The thing is, since I didn't realize I was sick, life went on as usual. When I was manic and mixed, keeping my routine was not an issue at all. Then when I was depressed, the same happened. I got out of bed between 4 and 5 AM. I spent an hour of time drinking my coffee, praying and reading the Bible. After that I would straighten my house, open the blinds, and get ready for the 3 kidddos I kept in my home. When they got to my home, I would feed them breakfast then they would spend time playing, watching TV for 1/2 hour and reading before taking their first nap. I would catch up on my laundry and work on a daily chore while they were sleeping (I rested during their 2nd nap and rest times) . I wasn't perfect by any means but I was on top of my life, ya'll. I was this organized even when I was miserably depressed.

Fast forward to the depressions I have had while not keeping kiddos, to the depressions I've had since I was pregnant with my daughter. I haven't gotten off of the couch. I feel like missing my morning coffee makes me stay on the couch until 2 PM (generally until AT LEAST then). I feel like if I could lose the laziness and just get off the couch to make a cup of coffee, I would actually get things accomplished. And, that is proof positive in that if I have something to do early in the morning, I will get up and do it and then I can come home and actually work on my house. It is a frustrating cycle that is perpetually damaging to my family and me.

Anyone else experience this? Any body have any suggestions as to getting up and getting started when it isn't completely necessary? According to my husband, I just remind myself that I don't have the time to be depressed. My mom says I need to figure this out so that I don't sleep away the summer. My pdoc has me seeing my t twice a week to learn to manage my depression but she won't prescribe another anti depressant as she is afraid it will make me spin out of control. It is so defeating.