I would write words to you......it is only my opinion....and please if you could help...by reading beyond the surface of my words...if possible....to read the source of meaning...

I have a brain injury.....my response to anything...is slower...as time has accumulated...I have learned...response experience...in some matters I am no longer as slow.....yet in the beginning of my recovery....I was often frozen in my mind....beyond processing a response...there were people in my life...who took advantage of that....with certain amounts of gleeful fervor....escalating into physical abuse.....

One of my therapists at the time....had me write on little pieces of paper...certain responses...and carry them with me all the time....to pull out and read from them......You I am sure are quite beyond that stage of slow....yet there was a factor in writing them down....that I would often...copy over and over the response chosen for a certain reoccurring instance....it helped me to pull it into my mind....

I also had them written and pasted on the mirror or other spots around my home....where I could see them....it entered my mind/brain in a way that I slowly was able to respond in the moment of instance.....and trial and error of what worked...to stop the escalation......

One person would choose very public places to suddenly go off and verbally humiliate me....in such a way that others became uncomfortable....I do not think they agreed....it is just they too did not know how to respond....there were two instances....with that person.....One response....we had arrived in the same vehicle...I had the keys....I spoke calmly....saying....I do not accept your words....and have no desire to be anywhere near you...so I think you can find someone here among your friends to give you a ride home.....and I left....they had to find a ride home...and it was repeated about why they were left....I refused the gift of humiliation and gave it back....another instance in a very public place....at the end of the attempted humiliation.....in the silence that descended....I just began to applaud....that turned all heads from me back to them....and the humiliation attempted to be served was now only held by them....they did not know how to respond either....

These are only examples from my living....it is the meaning...that there is never just one way to respond....there is the patterned behavior we all have....as the method by which we cope....there is safety...or a sense of security...in what is familiar....yet as beings with wisdom....if it is not working for us...we can recognize and search for something else.....

I had a friend who went to prison....he was not a big burly fellow....and I was afraid for him....he told me that he was attacked repeatedly....his method...in that situation was that he ALWAYS fought back...he never surrendered....he fought...he said he was still attacked and beaten yet he always fought and after a while...they quit attacking him....

That may not be the way for your situation....it is different for all....You seem to be aware of your emotions in the situation rising....in contemplation....or with a therapist...it is possible...to find and try different responses....that give different outcomes......I know that we can not change other people....we can only change ourselves....and often changing how WE respond to situations...can then in turn inadvertently have the effect of bringing change to others....yet it is only in the way that WE change first.....

It goes without saying...it is not easy....habitual patterns in anything are very difficult to change...and often horribly frightening...that sense of going out of what is our control....

I am very sorry you are on the receiving end of bullying...I have seen horses and with chickens...once they are picked on....they are targeted....in the case of horses...the abused one we gave hormone shots to.....that shifted the behavior of the horse...and the others left it alone....again...the horse changed it's behavior....the chickens it happened to....usually did not survive....

Okay....I may have shared more than you cared to have arrive at you....yet my hope in the reading...there may be some measure that rises and speaks to something within you...that could give you an avenue to ponder that may bring you to peace....