I relate to all of you in this thread. I do notice how triggers dont always affect me the same way. Sometimes I can stop the spiral and stay "normal." sometimes, I can acknowledge something triggered me, but I can't stop the weird thoughts and feelings completely. Instead, I just notice the weird thoughts/feelings as theyre happening and try to redirect and reassure myself. Other times, I'm so caught up in thoughts/feelings I am completely unstable.

i hope that processing trauma will help me, but it's so tricky to have triggers, shut things out, try to let things out, try to live "normal" life, and try to stay sane through the process. I feel like there is some "obstacle" in my way...but what is it? Also, I feel like there is some other entity in charge..."it." It's like I'm hiding parts of myself? I'm in pieces? I feel it all, and I understand fragmentation...but how do I integrate. I always think I'm on the brink of being cured, then I feel "it."

Like open eyes, I notice how a present day thought/feeling will open up flashes of memories that have the same theme...it's like a scroll unrolling. It's so fragmented, the pieces are so small and incomplete, I do feel like im trying to put together a puzzle...it's a game I'm really tired of. Also like open eyes, I have so many doorway images. It's eerie how that's the same for us, and I felt like I was reading my own writing when I was reading that of yours. I've wondered if its metaphor at times, besides being actual memories of doorways.

I love the idea of creating the magical box. Brilliant! I need a "totem" sometimes, a touchstone. The composition of a box could be helpful. Something to contain my "it." I was getting so lost for a time, the only way I came back was by remembering "the forest through the trees." I'd realize I was lost and I'd grab a red ribbon with hopes to lead me out. It never lead me out, but just realizing I had become lost would help me to ground.