I don't know where to write this. There are so many issues I'm dealing with, and I feel like I need some kind of support group or something, but I don't know where to go. The issues are complex and I don't think there's a support group for my specific situation. So I'm writing this here, though I don't know what I hope to get from it. I have a good circle of friends who have supported me through it, my parents have been very supportive, and my therapist has been wonderful. Still, I need more.

I'm a 30 year old gay man with a history of untreated depression who just ended a 7 year relationship. I attempted suicide about 3 years ago by taking sleeping pills, but got scared after a few handfuls and made a call to my partner. A fight and the strong possibility of him leaving me led me to take the pills - I have recently realized I have codependency issues, finally. They took me to a hospital, not to the psych ward, and I was released a few days later with a list of possible therapists to call, which I knew and said I wouldn't. I wanted help, but I needed someone else to get the help for me. Nobody did.

My boyfriend and I continued having problems and a few months ago we both agreed to seek individual therapy, with the goal of also having some joint sessions. He also has a long history of depression - it's part of what we bonded over in the beginning stages of our relationship. I love being in therapy and I do feel that it is really helping me.

The week before this past Thanksgiving him and I had a big fight. We were supposed to spend the week visiting my family, but he ended up not coming with me. It looked like we were breaking up, and he wanted to spend the week sorting out his feelings. Fair enough. But he was incredibly depressed the night before and talking about suicide, and he seemed darker than I've ever seen him. So on my way to the airport I called his parents to tell them I was worried he'd try to kill himself and to look in on him.

We didn't speak while I was away. I spoke with his family a couple of times in the beginning of the week and they said he was ok. Friends also spoke or emailed with him in the beginning of the week.

I returned Friday evening and when I got home his brother, father and our friend were there. They told me he took pills, but that he was alive. I asked to go to the hospital to see him but they wouldn't let me. I was so hurt and concerned and confused. I wanted to see him and hold him and comfort him, and they wouldn't let me!

Then his father sat me down and held my hand, told me he loved me and that I was part of the family and that nobody would blame me for whatever I decide to do. I was so confused. He then told me that the reason my boyfriend attempted suicide was because he had an HIV test and it came back positive. He cheated on me over the summer, was unsafe, and then had unsafe sex with me. We were in a committed, monogamous relationship - we haven't used condoms in a long time.

It's been 2 1/2 weeks and I still can't process all the emotions. It's just too many things at once. At first it was concern and compassion for him - he was in the hospital after an attempted suicide because he tested HIV positive. Then it suddenly hit me that he put me at risk and that I was probably infected, and I was overcome with fear and panic. Then it turned to anger - how could he do this to me? How could he gamble with my health like that? We had a commitment!

He was released from the psych hospital after the holiday weekend. He wouldn't call me while he was in there - he was too afraid of my reaction. And apparently he was getting advice not to talk to me until he was released. People were worried he'd have a breakdown after speaking to me and that would affect his discharge evaluation. Stupid people - that's the best place for him to breakdown! He can have help there! Stupid, selfish people!

I'm still all over the place. I don't know what to do with myself. I was planning on spending my life with him. Now he's living with his parents, and I'm stuck in this apartment that we've shared, surrounded by reminders of our life together. All his stuff is still there, except for some clothes. I can't afford the place alone, even if I wanted to stay, so I have to move out. The damn holidays are coming and I wish the whole world would just cancel them, as I am. I can't really find a place until after the new year, and anything I can afford will be in a bad neighborhood and crappy, so my parents are going to help me financially, which feels horrible and pathetic for an adult.

My therapist warned me that my moods would be all over the place and that they'll settle down to a more reasonable level. It's only slightly comforting though. It doesn't help much to know that next month/year/decade I'll be a bit more level. I need it now because I'm losing my mind.

FYI - I had an HIV test that week and I tested negative. It was about 4 months since my first exposure, and 1 month since my last, so I'm not out of the woods yet. However, all my blood levels looked really good and showed no signs of anything early going on. I'll be retested at the end of January, and again a few months after that. It looks good for now, but I know it's not necessarily over.

Anyway, if you've made it this far, thanks for reading. I could go on all day. I've been talking about it non-stop since it happened. I've had a friend staying with me for most of the last 2 weeks, and other friends have been over almost every night. It's great, and I'm incredibly lucky to have this support, but once I'm left alone I feel so lonely and scared and those familiar suicidal thoughts come back. I really don't know what to do with myself.

Thanks.