I don't know anymore...

I see my pdoc tomorrow afternoon. I called the office yesterday, to ask him about anything we could do for anxiety... I had been really anxious the entire day, and really couldn't take it anymore. My prescription, Vistaril, doesn't do anything at all to help it. It used to help a little bit, but now there is nothing. I've had to resort to the ER a few times, because the anxiety is that bad, and after not hearing back from my pdoc before it got to the point where I was starting to get scared of what I would do if I went home, I went again yesterday. They now seem to think I am a freaking drug seeker or some s***. Really, I want to not be scared of myself... how hard is that to understand? Yesterday, after trying to explain that, and explaining that the Vistaril is worthless, the gave me benadryl and sent me home. It didn't work, obviously, but I really don't know what else to do...

I want to ask my pdoc what else we can do, but I don't know how to explain it... I mean, if I can't deal with the anxiety, I end up drinking/using or self harming, and over time it gets to the point of feeling sui...

I'm debating asking if he could write for a benzo rx but only like 2 or 3 at a time... I don't know... I am so tired of feeling like this. Right now, I really just want to give up and drink and numb and not feel anything ever again.

And somehow, I am starting to cry... so that's all.