Want sure where to post this so here ya go...
I feel trapped, or I guess afloat is a better way to put it. I'm floating on a sea of emptiness and I'm trapped here. I've been trying so hard to get out of my head and away from all my negative feelings that I fear I have cut myself off from apart of me. I don't know how I really feel. I don't think I really feel at all anymore to be honest, at least not any true emotion. I've been so concerned about being happy that I've created this fake sense of happiness that I can't get away from now. And I can feel its falseness. Oh how it taunts me, waving joy right in front of my face only to put a glass wall between us. I can see it, enjoy all it has to show me yet, I am not apart of it. I can't touch it nor embrace it, only look. It's so close, yet it is not mine to have. I just don't understand myself, I do feel happy, don't get me wrong, but there are moments when I feel it all gets hazy and everything stops. This happiness is an illusion, it's just fake. And from all this fake emotion, I fear I've forgotten how to truly feel.
That excitement I used to get from the simplest of things, the thrill I would get before going on an adventure, that good anxiety before trying something new; it's just gone. Even the feeling of sadness has changed. I feel it, oh do I feel it, but it's like I pretend it's not there. Like everything is just fine and dandy and I go on with what I'm doing, but with a heavy feeling in my chest that just keeps getting heavier. It's funny how easy it is to pretend everything is fine. Isn't that what everybody does anyway? Just pretend there's nothing wrong? It's hard, it's getting so ****ing hard, but I can't help it anymore. I don't know how to talk about what's going on in my life to the people around me or how I'm affected by it. I can't even get myself to try and understand how I'm honestly feeling. Im not sure how to explain, I have no words for the way I feel right now except fake. I feel like something's been taken from me. A lot of **** has happened to me this past year or so; having a beautiful baby boy (not bad at all, just a little life changing), issues with my baby daddy, breaking up with said baby daddy, going through an abortion, and realizing i just plain don't know what the **** I'm doing in life. I'm not sure if I'm just going through a mental break right now or I'm stuck this way for life, but I don't like this. I don't know what to do to make it better. I just want to be able to understand myself again. I don't want to feel like such a stranger in my own body anymore...