I am so sorry you are having to go threw this. I know first hand it is absolute hell. It is so confusing. It hurts you and it hurts your child. If not yet, it will. I hope you find the courage to get away. I read some where that the average woman leaves her abuser the minimum of 7 times before actually staying gone.

The part that sticks out the most in your story and that reminds me of myself is ..."a part of me just wants to take the abuse instead and stay." I totally get that. I am the same way. Why do I keep fighting to stay afloat. Why not stop fighting him and just give in and live in absolute fear and emotional pain, emptiness and loneliness. I do any way.

I cannot keep doing this because it just drags me into a deeper pit. Much like quick sand it will end up pulling you in deeper and deeper until it totally consumes you and then you are gone, emotionally gone forever. I can't keep doing this because it shows my little girl that it is how a man is supposed to treat you. I have already stayed long enough for my son to think it is ok to talk to a woman any way you wish. Another monster has already been created. The cycle has to be broken sometime. Why not now.

That is soooooo much easier said then done. Best of luck to you. I wish you the most success in being able to get away. I hope it works for you, but if it does not, don't give up. If you can't bring yourself to do it, don;t feel bad. It's hard and confusing and scary. I know it is.

Good luck. *Gentle hugs it is ok.*