When your wife finishes nursing school, her childcare needs are going to get a bit complicated. There aren't all that many nursing jobs where a nurse only has to work 9 to 5, especially for a new graduate. If she wants to work in a hospital, she'll be rotating shifts. I'll bet she's already thinking about that. So what's she going to do with these kids when she's working 3 - 11, or 11 - 7? Even day shifts for nurses typically start at 7 a.m. Who's going to get these kids up for school and feed them breakfast? On top of that, nurses don't always get off work on time, but can get stuck on the job for extra hours. Yeah, a live-in provider of childcare could save her a ton of money, broaden her employment opportunities and eliminate a huge amount of stress on her and on the kids. So you being there in your separate room would be just like her having a nanny. (Well, almost. You have to work as well.) My impression of your wife is that she is far from being confused about anything, but doing a lot of thorough thinking about how to best arrange things to meet her needs.

Of course, as a father, you won't think of being with your kids as you being a childcare provider. But I don't see her wanting you around for much more than how you can meet her material needs. And she's building up to that in such a way that it will seem like she's doing you a favor. Right now she's testing to see how desperate you are to be around her and the kids. She's figuring you might be desperate enough to put up with a loveless arrangement. She's not the first woman (or man) to come up with this idea of having a partnership of convenience. I recognize that this could be called speculation on my part. But I'm not pulling this out of thin air. Your wife may seem inconsistent to you, but what I see is a very consistent pattern of behavior on her part. Even her seeming to thaw a bit (like the half-hug,) followed by her becoming cool and aloof is a consistent game plan of baiting the hook, reeling you in, but slackening the line now and then to actually maximize her control of you. Think of how a sport fisherman allows the fish to swim away intermittently with reeling the fish in. This is to tire out the fish and avoid snapping the line. I think your wife is one heck of a planner.

Here's what I would love to believe: You move back in with your wife (sleeping in a separate room) and, little by little, she sees that you are not trying to undermine her career goals or her rightful claim to some independence, and gradually you win your way back into her heart. Then down the line you marriage gets back on track. I'ld love to believe that, and who am I to say it's not possible? In your quest to try everything possible to save your marriage, you may need to go along with this plan of hers to see where it takes you. (And she's got a plan in mind, if you ask me.) I suppose you've got nothing to lose by trying. But I think you also may be in for a world of hurt, on top of what she's already dished out.

Generally, people lie because they know that telling the truth makes them look bad. I believe you that your wife has been telling you lies that you were able to duscover as such. A spouse who's been unfaithful (emotionally or physically) may lie because the person truly regrets wandering from the marriage and doesn't want that mistake to undermine the attempt to rebuild the original relationship. I discourage people who've been unfaithful - and regret it - from even letting their partner know about it. I happen to believe that honesty isn't always the best policy . . . that there are some things which we should take to the grave. So your wife being less than truthful about her social excursions while you were deployed isn't what dampens my hope for your marriage. I wouldn't even feel all that harsh towards a military spouse who got lonely and found some respite from loneliness by taking up with an available source of warmth and affirmation. I truly believe - and have witnessed - that marriages can survive infidelity and become strong again. Sometimes, the past is just that - past. Sometimes, it can be smart to close the door on the past, stop digging into it and focus on the here and now and go forward. In the interest of leaving no stone unturned to save your marriage, you could even say to your wife: "Let's put the past behind us. I will not ask you anymore about what went on in your life while I was deployed, and I won't hold anything I happen to discover against you. I'll ask you to do the same with me and let's see if we can build a future together, without hanging on to any rancor over what may have happened and can't be changed now." Your wife doesn't want to live in fear of being judged by you and of having something thrown in her face for the next 50 years. You could reassure her that she will not have to deal with accusations and suspicion, if you get back together. You can reassure her that you would like to "start fresh." This is what I would love to believe is possible.

Having said all that, I'm not very hopeful of that being a possible or likely outcome because I don't think your wife regrets the running around she did while you were gone. And I don't think she's particularly intetested in committing to you for the future. I'm sorry to say that. I just don't see where there is any love left on her part.