It's good that you shared what happened and what conversation "did" take place.

I think you are "like a lot of men" at a disadvantage because men tend to be raised in a way where they are discouraged from being emotional. I think that's why "if" a man develops PTSD, it's much harder for them and the guilt and anger they experience is harder on them than it is for a woman who is "allowed" to be more emotional.

So, you went and did an activity with your two children and when you finished that, you put on your shoes and felt you had to leave.

Did you acknowledge or say anything at all to your wife? Let's say her name is Sue.

One scenario, is a presence that walks in, puts all his attention on the two children and doesn't say anything to Sue. So let's read the stories and now when that is finished I better put on my shoes and leave. I don't dare say anything when I leave, I just leave.

Here is something "important" to remember about other people in general. "we may not remember exactly what someone says to us, but we never forget how that person makes us "feel"".

With that in mind, here is another scenario that sends a different message. A husband comes in to read a story to his two children. When he comes in he says, "Hi Sue, how was your day, how was nursing school today, how's that coming along?". What that does for Sue, is it includes "her" in your visit, and it also sends her a message that you are acknowledging "her life" and what's important to "her". That will make her "feel" a positive about you or ANYONE ELSE that acknowledges her that way.

Back to the other scenario you described; Husband finishes reading and puts his shoes on and leaves. Then he gets a text, "You didn't have to leave". To that husband says,
"I came over to read my children a story, but you didn't mention anything about me staying. I asked if she would like me to come back in and she responded "Do Whatever" so I eventually went back in."

A more positive response, "You didn't have to leave" and husband says, "Oh, that's nice, I would love to come up and spend time with you and maybe watch a movie together and I would like to know how you are doing with nursing school too". Again, that helps Sue have a "positive" feeling about inviting the husband back in to spend time with her.

With the way you did respond in that scenario left her to "feel" lost or doubtful. And that is why she responded with, "Do Whatever" which is basically a "low" feeling response.

Now, what you have described of your marriage that was going on for a while, "We were basically just room mates". Well, "both" of you were not "feeling" each other AT ALL. That's not a marriage and you grew towards ignoring each other.

So, if you think about what hurt her even "more" was seeing you engaging with another woman and FEELING SOMETHING POSITIVE or giving that other woman something you don't give her. You know when I think about what I am telling you, I remember how my mother used to be jealous of the dog simply because my father gave the dog the loving attention that she wanted herself.

You know, you being away for nine months, and leaving her with "bad/hurt" feelings not only gave her time to stew, but, also gave her time without your presence around and to be with other people that helped her FEEL POSITIVE FEELINGS. She went out looking for people that "noticed" her presence and engaged her.

Actually, if you read eskielover's posts, that is the kind of marriage she experienced for 33 years. She was miserable and actually did everything she could to avoid her husband too. And now that she moved away and has her own space and has cultivated friends and has some POSITIVE experiences, she talks about feeling much "happier".

If you think about your marriage and all that has happened since, the two of you tend to walk away at every encounter with a "bad feeling".

This other man she preferred being with? Well, every time she spent time with him, she was left feeling something "positive". When he was in her presence he acknowledged her in a way "you don't" and haven't in a long time.

When I talked to you about "dating" and had some suggestions, the suggestions I had were making it a point to do things "with" her that can leave her with some "positive" feelings (not just flowers and cards either). You focus on her cheating and lying about this other guy, it really doesn't matter, the ONLY true truth and detail you really need to know is what she really was drawn to in that other man is "How he made her feel when she was with him".

So, what she has experienced while you were NOT around was "she spent time with other people that helped her have POSITIVE experiences".

The other part of this picture is your children. Being that they are only children they are very sensitive to the things taking place with their parents, that leave them "feeling" upset or bad. So while they got to see you and you read them a story, I wonder what they will remember about that night the most. That tends to be something so many parents forget to think about.

Here we are in this relationship forum, it's such a busy forum. But, what a lot of the challenges are is "I love him/her, but I am finding myself unhappy, HE/SHE always leaves me feeling.....and something negative".

One may forget exactly what someone says to them, but they NEVER forget how that other person makes them FEEL.

If, all the times you and your wife are in the same space with each other ends up with the two of you walking away feeling bad, then it's not surprising someone would say, "I want my own room". After all, if two people are sharing a space, at the very least one will need to have their own "space" to seek refuge when they are left feeling "bad". And, all that means in the end once again is "going back to just being room mates" too.

A lot of people "do their duty", but that's just a function. A lot of people have talked about "I wish he/she would just throw me a bone and leave me FEELING appreciated and positive".