(((((((((((((((((((((EVERYONE))))))))))))))))))!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Trying to think of the right words here. I know your not mad at me, and I am not upset at anyone here either.

I am soooo lost for words. But I hear you, trust me on that. I with what has been said here. Maybe my fear is that my doc is gone till January, my new t is gone till the end of the month, my old t is gone till January as well. I am not sure where to turn at this point as I KNOW I can' think clearly. And the thought of allowing this ED to let my organs shut down is not what I really want for my kids. I have held on this long for them..... and GOD I am grasping at the edge to hang on and fight for a better tomorrow. As much as I hate myself this is not about me. Its about my kids. So even if I am crying for death, I can't do this to them. I thought they are better off without me...... but if I do this I will destroy their futures. I think about how they would feel if I killed myself and its not fair to "set them up" for the "why's and what if's".

I am focusing on them as much as possible. I really clung on to them last night. Constant hugs and kisses. A simple touch when I walked by. But they notice all the love cause it always comes back. My son drew me a picture of a snowman. He wrote inside of him, "Your the best mom, I love you."

How can I let go of this??? I can't.

Justy