I am only writing as an observation...and opinion....your first posts it feels as if you are searching for a way to change....and then your later posts...in reading...it feels as if you are quite content with your behavior...and have no willing directive to shift into anything else....As for the comment you would like to get shot...that is a little out of range....of my pain willingness.....I have seen bodies that have taken bullets....not sure I have faith that anyone would really...."love to get shot"......unless you have a wish to remove yourself from life....

Your explanation of holding your flipping into a more inconspicuous position.....disguised in your clenched fists...and a bit after they have passed....shows some restraint...and a bit of wisdom....maybe you are indulging a part of yourself...most hide.......allowing something to fall away without festering.....I have used anger to give myself physical strength....to push myself to arrive at a point past my body's willingness to continue....

You work in a hospital...?...is your anger a method of release......allowing you to function at other times in restraint of mental duress..?......or are you just writing in wondering...if anyone else feels to act as you do....I have never felt this way...steadily....though there are times....I would imagine we all have thoughts of violence we would not act on either.....I hope you continue to be without confrontation...in your runs.......