My friend from California just rode his bike across the country and his ride ended at the Atlantic just about 90 minutes south of me. He wants to get together tonight to celebrate. And earlier in the week I said I would. But now that Saturday is here, I'm just exhausted, and it's 3 hours of driving round trip, plus how long I end up staying to eat dinner and hang out...

I'm so torn, this guy is a friend who I've really stayed in contact with over the years, and, after his father died and he went through his own depression, he really began to understand what I struggled with...but, well, I don't think I'll have any fun because I have nothing to talk about except my dogs (which no one cares about) and how miserable I am. And he's celebrating, and I'll have to discuss is my misery.

Plus, my body just doesn't want to. When I had planned out my sleep schedule and day, it seemed totally doable, especially with how much I accomplished on the week days this week...but I slept 50 minutes last night, and now I'm crashing...how do I explain that to him?

I almost wonder if I emailed him and explained some of this, he might understand...but then again, he would probably not be as good a friend anymore.

I am so proud of him because 4 years ago he said he was going to do this. He changed his life, quit working his very lucrative job at a well-known international company, started over doing what he loved, and started planning this trip for his 40th birthday. And he did it. He did everything he said he was going to do. Yes, his life changed dramatically, he had to sell his really nice car, his really nice condo, moved in with his elderly mother both for his finances and to care for her, ended up breaking it off with his fiance, he's still the same person, but it's like he decided he was just going to make his life exactly the life that he wanted to have.

And even as I type this, I want to sit down and have a beer with him and ask him how he did it, wasn't he afraid?, were there times he almost couldn't stay afloat?, I have so many questions...especially also wanting to know how he dealt with the depression he had after his father died, which he has spoken mostly to me about, but not super publicly.

But that desire to visit and see my old friend, is overpowered by my agoraphobia, by fear because he hasn't seen me since my breakdown and I don't want to see his reaction when he sees my scarred, obese body when who he remembers was a slender, curvy, pretty girl who could stop traffic. (Sorry, not trying to be offensive, but I was hot).

And I'm also overpowered by my fatigue, which I think often happens on Saturdays when the week is finally over and I know that I don't have any deadlines or to be on anyone else's schedule and I can just crash. My body gives out, my brain gives out...I'm like a borg drone on weekends, sleeping in my alcove to recharge until Sunday evening when I do all the laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, and whatever else in a quick 2 hour period to get ready for the upcoming work week.

I can't go out with him tonight. I know I promised, but it's too far, and I just can't handle it.

I've see some articles on depression that talk about this...so maybe I can steal some words from that when I let him know I won't make it and try to explain it.

I'm going to end up with no friends by the time I die. No one will come to my funeral...no one will eulogize me, my body will go in an unmarked grave, with no distinction.

I hate depression.

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