I'm so sorry Elevatedsoul. I want to ease your pain. When the symptoms are so strong...it's so frustrating and awful. I've felt it and when I couldn't make it stop...its defeating. It sounds like triggers and ptsd, but what do I know.

That's good how you've been investigating places and people that offer smarter, more organized and more careful help. Take bits and pieces of knowledge and encouragement from as many sources as you can. You didn't ask for this trouble, yet you must find your way through it.

i saw you wrote something about journaling. I can't journal either, its was more like clusters of words scribbled everywhere, and arrows and circles, underlines and question marks. But eventually I do see some little answer on the paper. It won't make much sense to me later, or seem like a big deal, but I guess that's the subconscious for you? getting through the fear, anger, sorrow, and clawing towards some power, some joy, some peace. I've fought like hell to rise above the beliefs, words, actions that say I'm "bad" or a burden.

This forum is such a great place to express ourselves. Getting things out, confession, collaboration, we are all doing a good thing here, I think.

I'll be thinking about you, elevatedsoul, and sending love and hope to you you're no fool.