I definitely have complex PTSD. And all that really means is that someone is struggling with an accumulation of "trauma and abuse and neglect" that can begin in their early childhood.

I was thinking about my exaggerated startle response when it comes to doors.
There are so many situations with doors in my past and the "it came right at me". And how other people blew up in anger and turned that in my direction, took it out on me, dumped on me long before I had any way of knowing how to defend myself or understand it at all.

These chills I get? Truth is, they have always been there, only now they come on stronger and longer than ever.

Have you ever seen an abused/traumatized animal "shiver"? That's how I get. What I do with the hair dryer? I have practiced this ever since I first got a hair dryer. When I was little in my crib my mother had a space heater on the floor in my room, I used to climb out of my crib and sit next to it until I felt warm and relaxed and could climb back into my crib and sleep.

Hormones? no, it's not the hormones that most think of, instead it is "stress" hormones.

A lot of times I hesitate with sharing what I am learning, how my history plays such a big role in that too. I don't want to frighten others tbh.

People say, that was the past, you need to be in the now. Yet, I have some very toxic things going on in the "now" that definitely triggers the past to come forward. I have a lot of flashes, I have a lot of trauma in my history that I never imagined would present the way it has been with this ptsd/complex ptsd.

OMG, there are so many situations where I experienced someone mean and taking it out on me, that come through all these doors and right at me.

I have this happening right now with my older sister and what is taking place with my elderly parents. She has most definitely come at me in rages and blames me when I genuinely did not do anything wrong. I am starting to try to look at her rages towards me, directed at me that is not the truth, but her fears and distorted ideas that she takes out on others have gotten out of hand.

It's hard in that I love my parents and want to spend time with them but every time I do my sister looks for something she can do to turn it into a negative. What I am recognizing is how she never got over having to share my parents with two younger siblings. What I am seeing is how, on a deep subconscious level, she wants my parents to feel that SHE was their best child and most deserving and her two siblings were "bad" and undeserving.

There was a dynamic that took place that I was born into that there was NO WAY, I would understand it, but I have recorded it throughout my entire body.