You can't imagine how many times I've read and re-read this post and wanted to reply....... but..... didn't know just how to put into words my experience and feelings about having a borderline mother.
It was so hard and still is-- as she has hated me one minute and then reveered me the next.
to this day I have anxiety with others--- never sure if they hate me and then wonder if they like me, all within a few minutes!!(if they say they like me it's only a matter of time before they despise me).... lately-- I've tried doing a "present check"-- meaning: that is then with her and this is now with another person that is NOT her. (though, I'm not very good at this "present checking" yet.
) Also the secret-physical abuse and then others admiring her for such admirable "motherly" qualities!! makes a young one feel insane!! not knowing how to think- which is the REAL picture??!!
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How many of you "knew" that you were "despised" by one or more of your parents? How many felt that you were hated?
</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I think I knew all along that I was not what my mother wanted-- but-- being I'm quite accomplished at denial-
-- I convinced myself otherwise and tried with all my 6 year old, 8 year old, 12 year old etc... etc... might, to reach the level that I felt would make me acceptable and lovable. I couldn't see that that level was unreachable.
I blamed it on myself EVERY time! argh!!!
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How many received a warm and healing response from others in society?
</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Almost all were not warm and understanding when I was little. Was told by some parents that their children couldn't play with me-- coz I was unbathed.
(was very unkempt, but I didn't know better) Other parents used unkind words and some teachers too.
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How many receive it now?
</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I tried in my early adult years to get warmth and healing from others-- family, acquintances even my SO. Found I was knocking on an empty house though. until I shared some things and reached out to a therapist -- then I felt in their expression, the warmth I'd been searching for....... however, then........ those old re-runs start a playin
-- "sure they like you now-- but tomorrow they will hate you..... you know how it works!!" *sigh*..... so, I leave the therapist before they can push me away. I can never be sure that what they say-- is really real!
I am just now understanding the process of the damage that was done.... there is so so much though to understand and work through.....
How to heal that damage is something I can't see, hold or get my head around.
so-- once again-- I'm entering the therapy realm...... maybe this time I'll find some healing and know how to cope with the memories and also the current dysfunctions that go around and around in my birth family-- and that also re-play in my mind.
I appreciate your post and hope that you will find healing and compassion in your journey.
pachyderm-
mandy
oops-- edited for mispelling your name--so sorry!
