It's good too let this stuff out. It's easier to make sense of things when it's there to see, and look back at. researching is a smart thing to do, I think. When I was a kid, I learned from the GI Joe cartoon that "Knowing is half the battle." I never forgot that, and it still gives me comfort and hope.

It makes perfect sense that the toxic things you have going on today are hard enough, but then they trigger the past, and it makes problem solving and properly protecting ourselves..or thinking we need to protect ourself...difficult. I guess even if technically we are physically safe now, it doesn't feel that way sometimes. I learned that our body's responses can't tell the difference between these types of threats. So we have to break through the response and find our footing. It's really hard to do without a reassuring hand to guide us, and back us up. We work on learning about the "disorder," developing our self worth/esteem, developing our communication and coping skills,....and more. It's a lot, but we have to do it.

All the sensations that can come up with cptsd are hard to deal with. Chills, pain, hot feelings, tingles... I've had this rattle inside where I feel like I could come apart. Or I've felt like gears in my head are changing direction and reforming. It's scary not knowing what it all is, but I landed on metamorphosis, and that's hopeful.

Your sister had power over you when you were little, maybe she thinks shes powerless without that leverage. But she's guarding something, when she could be having more by sharing. She may never outgrow that, and it's her pain that she spills onto others. Then you have to make sense of the mess and the hurt. Something else i learned from tv, "don't try to make sense out of nonsense." I've done far more of my fair share of trying to live around and believe in other's nonsense. When I was able to see them for what they really were (dysfunctional people trying to avoid certain truths and feelings, etc.), then I felt more equal in power, and could better enforce boundaries, And not take their bait or live in their unhealthy perceptions. It's hard to believe in oneself after someone with more power took our footing.

We are all trying our best here, and I really appreciate your posts and insight openeyes.