I made you a card. I want to give it to you when I see you next. Don't stop me feeling the hurt, because like we said it is the grief that I should have processed years ago but didn't get a chance to.

This song I am going to play you, if I can find a copy before we meet, is a song that I can't really put a dialogue yo. It's like an internal feeling, and this song sums that up for me. I guess if I had to say something, it would be that when it was near the end......no, I can't, because that isn't right. It wasn't then, it wasn't then and it isn't now, but it is a mish mash of all of it summed up in one song. All ages. All times. Longing. Loss. Desperation. Learning. Realisation. Heartbreak.

That last one. My heart was literally breaking back then, and I had no control. I was powerless, trapped. My body just flinched writing that. Powerless. I had no choice. That's a pretty common theme in my life from my early days, isn't it. Is it any wonder then that I struggle to be not in control now, then. As soon as I had the chance I took that control and kept it all to myself, vowing never again to be in a position in life when I could be so desperate and yet so powerless. It made me the strong, capable person that I am now, but it went too far the other way.

I think that you think that the early abuse was the main driver for my struggles, and maybe it was, but that isn't where the feelings lie for me. They come at a later age. At the age when I so desperately wanted things to be different yet could not find a way. Nothing worked.

I can't convey to you the strength of those emotions back then, but I can assure you that I felt them at the time. They are stored. I am not so sure that the earlier ones are accessible, but these ones might be, and who knows what doors they could open into the past. I think this is worth exploring, sharing.

All this from a card, huh!?