I've always had a hard time managing my emotions, and they completely overwhelm me a lot of the time. I've had anxiety for pretty much my whole life, which got progressively worse and worse over the years. I feel like I'm a young child at the age of 27. I don't feel like an adult woman, I don't feel in control, I feel completely pulled along and driven by my mind and my emotions. You could possibly say I've had "emotional problems" over the years, and acted childishly in my teens and still do at times now. I can't seem to mature.

And right now I'm attempting to "grow up" and get better self-esteem and self-discipline. But it feels like I'm fooling myself. I hate sleeping because every time I wake up and turn over (a lot) I feel FEAR. And when it's time to start the day I feel an incredible panic, fear and hopelessness just smother me. Even if I felt strong and capable the night before, the morning always gives me the truth of my subconscious. That I'm weak. That I can't do anything I need to, can't change my life, can't change anything about myself or my actions, can't meet anybody, can't can't can't. Every day I battle this suffocating sadness and aloneness. I feel extremely alone. And extremely trapped. On Thursday I had a fight with my parents and I sobbed and screamed. Granted, my father also screamed and had that demonic look in his eye, and perhaps I got some of my emotional chaos from him. But it reminds me how childish I am, and how trapped I am.

I feel my anxiety in my body, particularly in my arms. As though fear is literally running through my veins. And it's painful. It also makes me feel emotionally and psychologically delicate. I often see myself as cotton wool; easy to tear apart and easily drifted away to nothing. I want to feel strong in myself. Instead I'm the world-shy toddler hiding behind someone's legs.

I am doing a mindfulness course and learning how it helps to manage emotions. But my fear is so strong and so painful, and I'm triggered so easily right now. Even seeing a romantic couple in a movie is making me escape to another room. I just can't handle anything. And I'm concerned the morning panic will stop me from attending appointments and engaging in therapy and self-help. The hopelessness keeps me in bed. It says, "What is there to get up for? Loneliness and heartache." I don't know what to do and I've been in hospital before over my inability to handle change and emotions. I keep thinking I may be in there again if I keep pushing with my limits. Just want to feel strong and capable and "all right."