Hi all,

I'm hoping someone(s) out there can relate to this. I don't have DID but i definitely have a dissociative disorder (dissociative amesia and depersonalization I suspect) It's chronic and it's been going on for years now. I don't know exactly when my consciousness fragmented, but I'm sure it must've happened during those formative years when your sense of identity is developing and unfortunately, the defense mechanisms that saved me prevented me from fully integrating and for my entire life I've felt like I'm incomplete. Like I struggle for a solid sense of self.

I've been in therapy for 17 years now, and while it's helped i still struggle with this to varying degrees everyday of my life. There's this low grade depression, severe anxiety and like a fear of being alive, and i'm always "looking at myself" like a detached observor. I never feel happy or joy, always seems like there's this low grade depression that I live with on a continual basis.

When I'm left alone I get scared. I get scared anticipating somebody leaving me and scared each day when I am off to work and know I'll be on my own for the day. I think i'm scared because I'm not connected enough with myself to feel solid and comfortable with myself. I haven't quite figured it out yet because I'm always "in it"

I don't feel like I have a solid sense of self at all and it really affects my memory...both long and short term. And then it feels shocking because now that I'm 40 (ugh) when I try and look back at my life, it's all kinda fragmented and doesn't feel like it's been one consistent memory of a "me" but instead feels disjointed with many gaps in memory.

because i live so much of my life not fully connected to any true feelings..so much of it is fear...i am not able to retain my life "history" in a consistent way.

does any of this make sense? in all my years of therapy I've never come across anyone who really got it. I guess I'm hoping somebody on this site will.

Due to this disconnection with my memory, feelings, thoughts inside...i oftentimes feel scared or blank or apathetic like I'm "dead" inside. It's really disconcerting and painful to live life going through the motions but without a feeling of wholeness or togetherness.

I never know how I'm going to wake up. I can feel OK when I go to bed at night and then scared and disconnected or detached from myself (and everybody else) when I awake.

I don't know if I've done even a decent job of describing it but I just hope to God somebody knows what I'm talking about.

hellllp

sorry it was so long. guess i'm trying to articulate something that is hard to describe.

Susan