some people will never understand. It's hard to say why. Maybe figuring out why other people don't understand will help, maybe not.
You can't start over from the beginning of time, but you can discard beliefs that aren't serving you. Drugs are going to help you to a point, and then too much will make you feel more vulnerable, as you already know.
I don't know why you say redemption, but I know Ive gone through periods of intense shame and confusion. And I never thought those feelings would go away. But once I started lining up who i am deep inside and being true to her, believing in her, etc etc, i grew true love for myself, little by little.