As the title says, I'm constantly at the end of my rope. Well, nearly. When I'm not, it's most likely because I unconsciously repress my bad memories, therefore don't remember what it is to be on the end of my rope about. On the off chance I'm not unconsciously repressing memories or unable to cope, I get hopeful and force myself to cope and be okay so I can work towards a better future.
My parents and older sister have been abusive towards me my whole life, with fluctuating types of abuse, now it's only gaslighting and emotional abuse because they know they can't get away with the other stuff anymore. My father used to neglect me and my medical needs really badly and called me a hypochondriac. Which has effected me getting medical attention for myself- delaying the few times I should have called an ambulance, and making me feel like maybe I am just making it up (even if there is evidence of me being unwell right in front of my face)
There's a lot of info under the trigger box, but you can skip it if you feel like, as it's mostly details. (I feel obligated to explain myself more, because a lot of people just don't believe me if I say words like "abusive" and "gaslighting", so I explained more even though I know I probably shouldn't have to.)
Possible trigger:
My parents and older sibling gaslight me constantly. My sister has become less abusive as times goes on however there are still moments when she's emotionally abusive and gaslights me about the past when she was severely physically abusive to me and my younger brother.
My father was even worse with physical, verbal and emotional abuse towards me and my siblings. My mother told him not to do it but it never stopped, she ended up enabling him and my sister over the years. Now they all pretend nothing ever happened, and past abusive events are their ~heartwarming family memories~ and ~funny stories~ to tell their friends.
I had repressed so many of these memories for years, but some would always bubble back up to the surface, though I was too young and uneducated (and brushed it aside, because I loved them and thought it was a normal family dynamic) to realize them for what they were.
One memory was of my father molesting me. When I told my mom back in 2013, she was drunk and acted cold towards my dad for about a day and then acted like I never said anything.. It took me so much time to build my bravery back up to the point where I could confront her about it in 2014 and it ended up with her telling my father about my "accusations", where apparently they both agreed that I needed psychological help. My mom told me that I was lying to cause problems within the family. Her gaslighting got really bad towards me after that over any and every little thing.
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My relationship with my mother is to the point where any argument sends me into a triggered suicidal ideation haze. She twists things around so much that she confuses me, and has me stumbling over my words, and unable to verbally defend myself. It's so confusing I can't often step away and I start shaking, and it makes me unable to recall what happened even when I know somewhere, on some plane, that I wasn't at fault.
For example when she says hurtful things, I use "I" statements and tell her that my feelings were hurt, and she will turn it around into how it's my fault, she invalidates my emotions/ thoughts, and makes it out to where apparently I'M hurting HER, and then gets angry with me and starts yelling over me when I try to talk things out. And then she'll ask me why I'M yelling at HER.
Possible trigger:
Last year after the orlando shooting she said some really hurtful things to me about it, gaslit me really badly because I was hurt about it, and told me to move out. I walked to the library, and hours later I came home and talked with my mom- she said "I didn't mean it that way", but then my dad came in the room and admitted that while I was gone, they were talking about how if I don't "stop being so immature" that I'd have to leave within a month. So my mom had been manipulating me into thinking she didn't mean it, when she did and they were seriously considering kicking me out. Not even two weeks away from my birthday no less. Then, though my mom dropped the issue and apologized, my dad kept threatening to kick me out over the next few days relentlessly.
A while ago she started yelling at me in the car because I needed to use the restroom and was going to be five minutes late because of it. I can't drive so I rely on her and my father, (though I'm gonna learn soon), so she was driving me that day. She yelled at me that she doesn't like to be late to things even though it was my appointment.
Now, I really hate being in the car with her when she's angry because she's a reckless driver when she is, and she knows it. Since she was driving and yelling at me in my face, I was beyond scared and needed to leave immediately. I raised my voice over her since she wouldn't stop yelling, and told her to pull over so I could get out. She yelled no, then I repeated to pull over, she said no and then finally I yelled super loud to pull over and she did (in a really dangerous manner).
Meanwhile she's still yelling at me while I started grabbing my things, unbuckled my seat belt, opened the car, and started getting out. All the sudden she got even angrier and yelled "No, you can't leave" and then started driving WHILE I was trying to get out. Luckily my body responded faster than my brain and prevented me from getting hurt by holding on until she stopped driving again about a car's length away from where she had previously stopped.
It was really scary and I finally was able to get out, and walk to the library where I stayed for the rest of the day.
That is one of two or three incidents in the past few years where she nearly physically hurt me, the last time I remember her actively physically hurting me is when I was a kid.
Even though I'm afraid of my father and sister, and the things they've done to hurt me physically and verbally are terrible, things are worse with my mother. She's relentless and our relationship is bad to the point where any kind of argument, even if it's over something really small, will send me into a haze where I won't stop thinking about killing myself for a long time. She treats me so terribly when she's in a bad mood and when she gaslights me that I'm effected for days after where I feel hopeless, angry, and suicidal.
Things will often turn into arguments with her, but I don't like to call it that because tbh most if not all of the time that happens I'm actually defending myself. And if I was wrong, I do acknowledge it and apologize and make sure to try not to do it again, but she (like my father and sister) won't acknowledge what she did/ said to hurt me. Or on the off chance she does, she will negate her apology by making excuses and putting blame on me as if I was the only person at fault.
If you haven't read what's under the trigger box, there have been two or three incidents in the past few years where she nearly physically hurt me, the last time I remember her actively physically hurting me is when I was a kid. Though it's not a lot at all, when it does (almost) happen it's very intense. My father hasn't hurt me in about a decade, and the last time my sister assaulted me was four years ago. There have also been moments where I question if my mom sexually assaulted/harrassed me, but I never really know if it counts or not.
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I'm so tired and I don't know what to do. I'm disabled and can't get a job, though I'm on social security disability I don't think it's enough to live off of if I got an apartment by myself and with my two pets who I literally can't live without. I don't know anything about how to move out on your own, how to get credit if you're too poor for a credit card, I need to learn how to drive though my disabilities have put that on hold for a long time.
Plus I'm agoraphobic. I'm terrified of being in public by myself, even sometimes places that I frequent like the grocery store. I'm afraid of and stressed out by being in public with my family, too, though. I know deep down that when I'm on my own, I'll eventually be able to do things in public without being afraid. I know I'll be able to feel safe frequenting local grocery stores and libraries. But I've never ridden public transport by myself, and though I know there's guides I'm afraid for my physical safety every time I leave the house. Such terrible things have happened at home, I know the possibility of it worsening while I'm by myself in public is worse.
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I want to find a GOOD therapist so I can work through these things, but I'm afraid of my mom knowing because she likes to rub in my face that she thinks I need psychiatric help and I also don't want to give her the satisfaction. Also, my last therapist enabled my mother's behavior towards me and legally breached my confidentiality as an adult when my mom called her during the time in 2014 with my mother that I mentioned under the trigger box. They talked about the situation and my therapist told me she said to my mom "well ___ believed it happens so you have to function in your relationship with [her] as if it were true". My mom's gaslighting got worse after that, and when I told my therapist she was like "what gaslighting?". Literally after going to her for sessions for three years, talking about the gaslighting and emotional abuse my mom's put me through, and even me calling it that out loud, she said that. I got up and left and never went back to therapy since.
I also know that when I live by myself, I won't have to clean up after my siblings who don't do it themselves, I won't have to be the only child doing chores because my parents let it slide that my siblings don't. The only person I'll have to clean up after is me, and my pets if I can financially afford to take them with me. I look forward to that. But I'm terrified of being lonely. Every single day, I go through cycles of being abused and trying to cope afterwards, my cptsd makes it harder to cope, end every single day and night I go through cycles of thinking:
"I need to leave now. I can do this. I can't do this. I'm terrified of leaving and being alone in the world. I'm terrified of not having something to ground me because that's when psychotic episodes happen. I don't know HOW to move on my own, look for an apartment or survive on my own. I'll figure it out. As long as I can cope now and prepare I'll be okay when I do leave."
Then I'll be abused again or reminded of how terrible my life is and it repeats.
I read guides but I honestly need help in real life. and I know there are resources like homeless shelters but that's not an option for me. I just don't know how to access these resources or where to find them in the first place. I need help getting help. I feel like I'm stuck in a loop where I'm just wasting my life away until I can leave. I also feel like, given the past, it's obvious I can't make any life changing decisions that have positive outcomes. There's so many things for me to consider before moving out and I need to make sure I cover all my bases because I never want to come back here. I don't know where to go for help with this, and I don't know how to cope better in the mean time.