I can relate to not knowing who I am, wanting to shut everything out and crawl into myself. Thankfully I have a patient and determined T who has thwarted my attempts to shut my T out, by quitting therapy.

I still struggle accepting "her" the younger me. Mostly I have an intense hatred towards her, but with my work with T, sometimes I can be a little more accepting of her and acknowledge that she was just a child.

I have tried meds, previously drank heavily from age of 15, they helped temporarily to shut my brain down, but gave no lasting relief and actually with the alcohol, made things worse as it placed me in vulnerable situations which has unfortunately added to my trauma.

I don't think there is a quick fix, although for me, things have got easier over the last couple of years. What kept me going, was reminding myself, that life is precious, even a miracle, thinking of all the uninhabited planets in the universe and here I am on planet earth. Also telling myself to have faith (not in a religious sense), but faith that things would get better, as long as I kept picking myself up and trying again.

I am glad you didn't delete your account. I think this is a place, where although we may not be actually having each others experiences, we can relate to those tough times and know how terribly hard it can be sometimes.

I'm glad you are here.