i feel suicidal... i dont know if suicidal is the right word...

let me try to explain what i mean...

i am just tired of this life... this life like this...
the way things are... i cant keep going on this way...
i dont want to live like this any more... i cant do it anymore...

at times i feel i dont want to live at all anymore... at times i feel i just need to do something... something... like there is something on the tip of your tongue... a decision... a choice... a word... a move... a game of chess... that could change it all... and that life would be over... but i wouldnt have to die... but that life could die... and i could have a new life...

i dont want to die... i just dont want to live like this anymore... i am so tired...
i am to much of a cowards to end my own story... to end this myself... to put pain on other people... to hurt other people... i am someone that wants to help others... to make others feel happy and good... i could never hurt others... i could never put others through the pain of me committing suicide...

i just feel the pain is so unbearable sometimes... that i become scared...
scared that something will accidentally happen to me... or that my body will just shut down on its own due to the pain... because it hurts so bad... i cant describe how much pain i am in...

and i am not here to put it on anyone, on any member...

i do not want any one to feel bad for me, any pity, i do not want any ones sympathy or any thing from anyone... i just am so alone... im not asking for anything from anyone... and im not expecting anything from anyone either...

its just so damn difficult when you are doing everything right... (words from my therapists') and when you are trapped... with people that are constantly triggering you into your despair...
its not me! damnit! said the therapists....
its them... and im sick and tired of it all... im sick and tired of them... its not me...

the new therapist told me that i am in the battlefield... still... even though i am doing everything right, i will never get better... because of my surroundings... because of them.... its not me.... its not my fault!

im trying as hard as i can.... im fighting with every fiber of my entire being...
and im just becoming so drained... so at the end of my ... whatever... im just at the end of my rope... because im exhausting all of my resources... all of my strengths... all of my ideas... all of my motivations... everything is becoming drained... because everytime i pick myself up... they kick my ****ing *** back in the ****ing mud....

how many times can you survive this...? how many times can you pick yourself up...?
how many times...? how many bloody times can you do this....
i am becoming so... i am just so used up.... that is why i am here...

that is why i told them to cancel my delete my account because i realized if they did delete my account i would be left alone with them... and i would have nothing left... sure would have the doctor... that does not understand me... the therapist that i can only talk to every 2 weeks and says she can not really help me further...

sure...

so i have to stay... i need peer support i realized... in some form... i dont need to be kicked any more.....

so i am looking for new doctors... i am looking for new treatment... i am scared of the hospitals... i am

but i am looking at the hospitals... i just dont want to go.... i just dont want to go....
i've been to the hospital before.... they didnt help me you know.... they didnt listen..... it was not a good experience..... i dont want that to happen again.... and i am scared....

i feel like i am so alone.... and no one can understand me....
sitting in the dark.... speaking a foriegn language... with no hope... but still crying... trying... to call out for help... not to you all, just help... understanding...

i know no one here can help me, and honestly i dont know if anyone can help me anywhere anymore...

im afraid of the damage that may have been done to my brain growing up... as the new therapist stated... perhaps i did suffer a traumatic brain injury....
even though the psychologists assessment said it seemed benign... maybe its not... maybe they missed something.... maybe there is extensive damage that will never get better.... even though i fight so hard... and try so hard.......

yes i cry here.... yes i complain here.... but you would never see me speak like this in real life... you would never see me cry in real life... you would never see any of this in real life... you would never.... so i show my weakness here... i show vulnerability here... not to be judged... not to be hated on... not to be hurt... i just want friends.... maybe understanding...... maybe compassion.... maybe something that i have never received before.... because my family is so ****ing ****ed up.....

im just so done... maybe i should stop being so vulnerable here too... maybe i should shut down here too... i dunno what to do anymore...

i feel like people are telling me not to speak.... maybe i should be silent...