So this may sound scatterbrained, I'm just going to brain vomit right now on here. I feel like I need to check myself into a hospital permanently, and call it my home. I keep having screwed up and unstable thoughts, and I've been fearing that I'm going to snap and hurt somebody someday. And to be honest, I feel like I'm so freaking selfish, all I care about is myself. I think the main reason I want to check myself into the hospital mostly isn't to protect anybody, it's to keep myself out of trouble. I don't completely lack empathy, I have it sometimes, but not at other times. I hate myself, I feel like an evil, stupid nutcase.

I keep hearing video-game sound effects in my head instead of my thoughts sometimes, on top of the voices. And I compulsively lie for reasons I don't want to talk about right now. Basically I'm worried about overloading on stress and just losing my mind from it and having another psychotic break where I might hurt someone (I've had three of them before, and during one of them I punched someone thinking they were one of the people that bullied me in high school).

I'm trying to work and earn my own living right now, but today I trusted too much and told my boss about my disorder, and I'm afraid I'm going to get fired and fail my husband. My boss told me not to tell anyone else, just to keep it between me, him and the Lord (I'm Christian). The only thing that is keeping me together is God right now. I want to live on the outside of the hospital, but I'm afraid for myself, and there is a part of me that feels concerned for other people, and I feel like I should probably just give up and stay in a hospital for the rest of my life so I don't hurt anyone.

I feel like I love attention and sympathy, and that I should stop talking about my problems because that's not the right reason to talk about your problems. I feel like I'm a coward, I shake when I try to talk to people other than my husband. I just want everyone to like me, to the point where my motives for doing things are always selfish. I guess I'm a perfectionist. I want to be a perfect person, and I can't be. I'm so far from it. Thanks for reading this. I think I got out most of what I needed to.