When I'm upset, like really upset, a sort of anger bubbles from within me and I turn all violent thoughts toward myself. In other words, I have overwhelming feelings of self harming during these "episodes". When I am calm and relaxed, I don't have these feelings. All is fine. However, when I'm triggered, when I'm very upset, all I can see or feel in my mind are ways in which I could hurt myself.

I hadn't actually acted out any of these self harm fantasies or whatever they might be, until about a year and a half ago or thereabouts.



The wounds were shallow enough that the healed without any scarring, but I felt embarrassed by the scabbing and was constantly trying to hide it until it was gone. Needless to say, I never went back to that chatroom as it clearly wasn't a healthy enough place for me.

I did come dangerously close to self harming before that, though. Once when I was upset, I went down to the kitchen and grabbed a sharp knife from the utensil drawer. It was a small paring knife, and as I was wearing a big pink fluffy bathrobe, I hid it in my robe's pocket so that no one would realize what I was up to, and quickly went back to my room.



I tossed the knife onto my dresser and declared to myself that I wasn't a cutter. That self harm just wasn't a part of who I was. And I wasn't until that night with the broken glass.

I never actually told my T or Pdoc about these episodes, and now that I only see my Pdoc, I have more limited options. I don't know why I don't tell them. It's as if I don a mask when I'm at an appointment and falsehoods flow from my mouth and the really bad stuff I temporarily forget about. It's not until I'm leaving that I realize what I've forgotten to discuss.

Besides, I'd like more insight as to why I have these episodes. I always referred to them as psychotic episodes myself, because I'm not of sound body or mind when they occur. Is that an accurate assessment or are they something else entirely?