it always surprises me how fast life can go from good to bad and how slowly it takes to move back again. i'm not so dumb as to think it is never good, it has its moments.. but why moments and not hours or days?

i got some bad news tonight and i'm climbing the walls again. My stomach is hurting so bad. i swear stress is going to kill me someday. i dont know what to do. i really dont. Badchoices and more bad choices.

it's gotten so bad that i dont even cry when this stuff happens... i just go kind of numb. i start to panic and i just want it to be over, any way possible.

i left a message for T... explained it all in a long rambling message. Then i feel bad for being so all over the place in the message, like why didn't i just spit it out and stop wasting his time? i asked him to call but i feel guilty because he will have spent all that time listening to my long message.

it really counts that i trust him now.. it really truly does.. i have choices to make that require it. It's a leap of faith and that faith is in him and myself... but it's the two of us, i need him to be able to do this and in order for it to help or work at all now is the time i need to trust him.

somebody tell me how to fast track trust? i feel like i am standing at the open door of an airplane and i have to decide whether to jump or not... T is standing with me and tells me it's ok to jump, the parachute will open and he will be there too... but in all honesty.. how many of you could let go and jump?

i need to be able to trust him if i am really going to jump.. i have to believe he is right about that parachute. There isn't anyway to know.

what am i supposed to do?