I agree with eskielover in that neither one of you have developed good communication skills in the relationship area. I see you trying to learn too, but, you have a partner that only sees the way things were where she was unhappy and then she caught you interacting with another woman in an online relationship. All she saw and still looks at is what "you" do wrong and she isn't willing to recognize her own failures. She did also fail in your relationship, and this could be part of why this other relationship fell apart too for her.

This happens a lot in relationships which is why this forum is so busy. So, it isn't just you that is struggling and feeling like you are not getting anywhere.

I think your wife's ego suffered some serious blows and she is taking it all out on you. You have some fault in this problem, but she has faults too.

I think eskie is touching on some important aspects in that your wife is at a point where she wants to develop her own identity other than just being a wife and a mother. I think she is probably fearful about "what if I fail somehow" with this too.

I also think she is keeping you on the line because she really doesn't know if she will pass her courses in nursing and get to that point where she actually becomes a nurse and gets work and has something of her own. She is probably angry about feeling so vulnerable like this and she is venting that towards you too. When women feel vulnerable they can get very mean. Although, that is something men also do too, it's a very human trait.

It could very well be true in that she is sending you these mixed messages because she is dependent on you and she is not going to cut herself off from whatever "is" sustaining her. Sometimes anger comes out which is more about guilt and shame and resentment and a person feels too vulnerable to be honest about how they REALLY feel. Sometimes in a situation that you are describing the woman will push the children and their care at the husband to show him how taking care of the children is a full time job too. After all, what did she actually do? She invested her time in caring for the children and you, that was demanding and often becomes "just" expected and not really recognized as having a value.

The sad part in this situation is the children really don't understand it, they tend to absorb it in a way that "they" are a burden and they often get dragged into telling a parent what they are seeing, like your children have been reporting to you about what they see taking place with this other man. Your children simply do not have the capacity to understand "why" this is happening either, all they want is their mom and dad to FIX it so they can focus on being the children and feel safe. Children don't understand why mom is being so mean to daddy, or why their parents can't be nicer to each other. Most children just think adults are supposed to have all the answers, they don't see that adults simply don't have all the answers.

Personally, I think it was wrong of your wife to have this man around in a way the children were included. IMHO, that is telling me she can be selfish.