I did wake up a few times during the night from bad dreams. Don't remember what they all were. I did have a couple okay ones. i remember one about mom and her husband...they were over at my place for a holiday, and I was "trying to make it work." The feeling represented how I felt around them before I found out about my daughters abuse. In the dream, I saw how badly having them around was affecting my daughter and I, and I kicked them out and exposed them in front of everyone. My mom started to argue, but then held her tongue because other people were around.

That part of the dream addresses the trauma of the times she freaked out on the phone at me...screaming, lying, accusing, and expressing that I'm ruining her, that if I say anything more she will die, basically. It was horrible, and I had violent thoughts about her after one phone call in particular. These conversations we had still hurt me. I filed them away in fragments, and when I get reminded of them it triggers me. Maybe it's time to "process" those conversations and feelings in the dream she held her tongue, and I had power over her behavior. Not true in real life...only my desire.

The way back past, and the newer trauma with my daughter, are so interwoven it seems. it's funny..."forget the past" doesn't work because the problem of repressed memories. Forgetting the past contributed to my inability to follow my intuition and prevent the more recent trauma. I have to make peace with that though, because it's shame. Shame debilitates me too. I want to open and embracing, and to nurture my intuition.

First I was triggered by a phone call/ interview thing from a man last week; then I was triggered by thinking about the way back past; then it ended up with all these memories of how badly things went with my mom. Right now, I'm just bouncing the mom memories out of my head when they come. Maybe there's a better way to handle them though?

Just remembered...in one dream I was hovering, levitating because I discovered I could tread air. I could do it easily, as long as I wanted. ive had the same dream before, plus flying dreams. But this time, in the dream I realized I was dreaming, because treading air is impossible. I still kept the power though, despite the realization.