Openeyes, What you write makes perfect sense...children don't understand what's happening to them, or have much power to fix it; they just adapt their behavior to avoid punishment. It becomes our normal, our role, and some family members want to keep the status quo that was created. I was always trying to change things in my family, and I believe I was resented for that by my mom. Even as I was trying to urge her to leave her nasty husband, she said, "look at my kid trying to tell me what to do." She says these ridiculous catch phrases to shut me down, and it totally works in the moment. She probably planted the phrase when I a was a child, and there it was waiting to be activated.

When it was me and my safety on the line, it worked for her. when I didn't need to depend on her, her words show me what she's made of, and it's not okay by me. The more she let out what was in her heart, because I pushed past her boundaries and threats, the more I saw the real her. Yes I hold compassion for her, but she holds none for me..or its inhibited by her fear and denial. I know she was abused and that's why she is this way, but I can't help her, because I've tried. Same with my dad...I tried to help him, but his relationship with me was part of his sickness. It was never going to work. I've let most of it go, the parts I can see. The parts I still don't understand, like you said, I'm trying to fix them anyway. But it's a messy job that I'm still trying to get the skill to do.

Thank you for sharing, openeyes. It's good to talk about these things and shed light on what stands over our shoulder; and how to appropriately face it for our peace.