Oh, where to begin.... met a man almost 2 years ago through a mutual friend. I'm not the most trusting women, but fell head over heels for this charming man who danced his way into my life... we spoke constantly, he made me tell him things I have never told anyone before that early on. Making plans and hanging out seemed effortless... Then, about 6 months into the R/S, he changed. Wasnt reaching out as much, when I would text him to say hi, i'd be treated like I was a pest. If i would question it, he would call me 'insecure' and that he was busy. etc. etc. Yes, he had a crazy job and traveled alot, so I thought maybe i was sort of insecure. We still kept in touch on facebook (were both in our late 40s). He started to become real nasty toward me on Facebook posts. He was nasty to my friends on there as well, without even knowing who these people were. Arguments seemed to start over the smallest things - Like him cancelling plans, me feeling disappointed, and him yelling at me over it. I would end up apologizing for him cancelling plans on me. Made no sense, I know. This type of behavior went on for a while... with the name calling getting worse and worse and time went on. Skip ahead to the summer. He mentioned he was busy for the next 2 weeks for work, and we'd get together after it. About a week later he mentioned on FB he was off the whole week. I questioned him and said why did you tell me you were working, and now youre saying that your off? Well, He FLIPPED. FLIPPED! Before he even gave me the reason (saying his job he was hired for was cancelled), he ripped me apart.... called me "toxic" and "disgusting" and a horrible person for 'coming at him". Anyways, I ended up apologizing once again, until about 20 min after the argument, I said to myself - Wait, what did I do?!?! I re-read EVERYTHING he said to me... which was a WHOLE lot. I couldnt even get a word in the argument. I immediately blocked him on Facebook. I knew something was wrong - i just didnt know what it was!!! Anyways, he reached out via text, like nothing happened and it was just a normal day - I didnt respond for quite sometime, about a week. He kept trying to get me to talk to him. It was almost like he didnt understand why i was angry. I told him it was over, and that was it. Well, he didnt take no for an answer. He switched and kept telling me that I could never cut him off, considering how much i liked him. He just didnt GET IT. I could never do anything right. Ever. He created this crazy world for me to live in. I honestly thought i was losing my mind and dependent on his version of events. He would always say i should be thankful he wanted to stay in my life regardless of my shortcomings. He screamed and raged at me in a restaurant parking lot once because i told him I didnt like the way he talked to me sometimes..He left me by myself crying and stormed off. About 10 minutes later, he sent me a text saying he had fun, and glad he got to see me before he went away and hope i got home okay. Like nothing happened!!! No argument or conflict ever got resolved. Everything was my fault. I just had to change and everything would be okay, according to him. Besides all this, he had some fantasies that included men, and he was flipping through pictures of naked men after a while before we were intimate. It even got as bad as him even SENDING me pictures of men he thought were 'delicious". I had to get out. I ended it, i was gone. I went through all the emotions - withdrawals, etc. But i was doing SOOO good trying to get my confidence back.

It was 6 months no contact. 2 weeks ago, I commented on a mutual friends Facebook post, and 10 minutes later i get a friend request from my EX! I panicked and checked my settings and sure enough he was no longer on the 'blocked' list. I deleted the friend request and couldnt block him again for 48 hours. During this time he sent me a message, saying how excited he was that he wasnt blocked anymore... and then when he realized i wouldnt accept it, he said I was a horrible person who is insane.

I dont know why, but i'm back to square one. Feeling all the anxiety and withdrawal and my brain wants to reach out to him, although I KNOW that is a terrible idea, & I shouldnt. I could never trust him EVER again. There is something weird he is hiding, and I cannot get back into that, but my mind wants to. I have no where else to turn people just keep saying 'get over it'. I dont think they understand how much he beat me up and how long it took for me to get some confidence back and now I'm back to square one here. I dont want to sit here and play the victim, but I need some sort of advice on how to get my mind to stop thinking I am a horrible person.