I think you are right esthersvirtue. And I can't answer this because I am not sure why I have this will for dying. And yes, I think I am using the ED to do this.

Why......... wish I knew. I thought I had come to some grips within myself to stop doing this. I had made some steps forward to not hating myself so much. Fact is I do hate this person and not sure why. When I look back, think about who I am deep down.... I am not so bad of a person. I have helped many, have a big heart, I am a compassionate loving woman...yet I hate her.

I just don't know why I can't accept myself. My kids are kids. They are allowed to have flaws, make mistakes, be hyper and moody. They are children, growing and learning. They are damn wonderful!!! I don't see any of this in myself. Is it the way I have learned from my own childhood. Not allowed to mess up, not allowed to show emotion, the "disappointment" that I was always told that I was and still hear to this day? Is it what was beat into my head that now I see this as well?

I don't have the answers. But so many days that I see past this junk and want to survive. So why do I continue to kill myself? So yes, you are very right. It hurts but indeed its the truth. So how do you know all this? Its like you read my mind at times esthersvirtue. Like you can feel and hear whats going on in my mind. This battle....die or not die. It puzzles me to no end. Up one day, down the next. My thought to myself is--if I really wanted to die then why this way? Why not just get it over with? This I don't understand. And how do I get past this and try to have the will to live?

I know others can't answer this for me. Just my thoughts with this. The answers are inside but such a jummbled mess I can't make out the truth. The positives are crashing with the negative. The sadness, pain, and depression are playing with the happiness thats inside. This I find the hardest. Its frustrating and confusing.......

Justy