Dear T

This all feels very surreal right now. Not used to sharing that much or feeling that much.

One song was about her, one song was about you.

I want to love you but I don't know if I can, because I don't know you.

Limited. I always knew this was limited. That's a risk, a compromise that I was aware of, and one I was willing to take. One I still am willing to take. It hurts, but nowhere near as much as it hurt realising that my Mum couldn't be who I needed her to be.

Giving up my truth in the search for what I needed. I had to. I was desperate.

Put the feelings in the book. They matter. They want to be recorded. Recognised. Remembered.

I feel weak and small right now.

I still need you. I need you right now. I want you. I want you to make it all go away. I want you to make it better.

I will look after myself. I promise.

It's hard. It hurts. I feel like .......... I don't know. I feel weird.

I love you, T, and I so dearly wish for you to love me back.