I hate to say this, but you sound normal. I mean, you want more control and support in your life. One thing I have come to understand with purging is that it gives us the emotional impression that we are ridding our bodies of the stress--the things that we can not control. That's how I feel about it. I am sure you can do this, Justy. You have said yourself that you do not really want to die--I bet that if like me, I want my problems to "die". In order to feel that happening, we control our eating and activities. What do you think?