Thanks for the support everyone. It helps to get it out, but it's still not enough. I've never had a relationship anywhere near this long before, and I know that a large part of what I'm feeling is the loss of that, but there are so many other issues here that it gets very jumbled in my mind. And knowing that the mood swings are part of the process is only a slight relief.

I don't know if there are any community mental health groups in my area. I'll try to look into that, and I'll speak with my therapist about it when I see her tomorrow.

Doh2007 - I don't know about the friends thing. I really want that, but I don't know if it's possible. I explained to him when I saw him after his release from the hospital that I really didn't want to hold on to this hurt and anger for the rest of my life. I wanted to forgive him for this, but I told him that in order to forgive I need to know all that happened and why it happened. As hurt and betrayed as I feel, I can understand the urge to have an affair (if the supposed 2 times they were together counts as an affair). I've never done it, but I understand it. What I can't understand is being unsafe with a stranger, and then being unsafe with me. He has no answer for why he did that, and he claims that he's really "&%$@# up" and is trying to figure out the "whys" in therapy. I told him to tell me when he figures it out so I can begin to try to forgive him and move on from this.

I even sent him a very warm letter last week explaining that we've been best friends for 7 years, and I want to continue being best friends. I know it won't be overnight - it will be a long process of forgiveness - but that I don't want to lose my best friend. He was very happy to hear that from me and wants the same thing.

In retrospect, I regret sending that letter. He really doesn't deserve my love and compassion after what he did, and he's been really disconnected and cold since his release. The love and compassion are a one-way street.

Additionally, since I don't have any explanation for why this happened, and because of several other factors that may seem minor at first glance, I've come to my own conclusions for why this happened - I've filled in the blanks myself. This thought had occurred to me initially, but I was very willing to reject it because it's too horrible to consider, but now it's all I can think - *that he intentionally sought out getting infected.* People do it, and he's had a long history of depression and it could have been some twisted version of a suicide attempt. I don't know.

But there are too many factors that seem to support this in my mind:
- the fact that he was unsafe with a stranger whose last name he doesn't even know!!!
- the time frame when he got tested - about 3-4 months later, at the time when he'd get a definitive rest result.
- the fact that neither me nor our friends who have spoken to him believes that he's told the whole story. It seems very obvious the he's not saying something, and if after all of this horror he is still holding something back, it must be huge. What else could possibly make this situation worse?
- the fact that he's got this very zen-like attitude with his diagnosis. Sure, the argument could be made that he attempted suicide as a result of the diagnosis, but that could be countered - the attempt could have been more because he knew that what he did to me would now be revealed and he couldn't face that. Also, I am questioning if it was a real attempt or a cry for help. When I attempted, I took about 40 sleeping pills at one time. They took me to the hospital, didn't pump my stomach, didn't give me charcoal, and just let the drugs run their course. He knew this - he was there. He took about 50-60 pills over a 24 hour period. It's impossible to state his intent, but he knew what did and did not happen to me, and he didn't take that many more pills than I did.
- The fact that he refuses to answer why he was unsafe. The most he can say is "it got really heated." Everyone I know has probably been in a situation that got heated, and none of them were so careless - twice!! He went back and did it again!
- A friend and I individually told him that he should contact this person he was with. It's possible he doesn't know he's positive. My ex claims he tried via email (his only way of contacting this guy) and that the email address has been canceled. To me that seems quite suspect, and I was initially willing to believe that this guy is a predator and does this to people intentionally. I told my ex that if that is the case, he may have legal rights. In some states you can file attempted murder or similar charges against these kinds of predators. I told him he should talk to others about it and do some research on it, and that even though this guy's email address is no longer valid, he knows where he lives as that's where it happened - he can go there with someone else (perhaps law enforcement) and get some answers. A few days later I asked him about it again and he said he's not going to do anything about it - he wants to stay positive and hopeful and that may bring him down. I don't get it - even if you don't want to pursue legal action, this person still needs to be informed if he doesn't know, and the health department should be notified if he does. I find his reluctance to contact this person very suspicious and it could support the theory that he knew exactly what he was doing.

Anyway, so now my mind has completely shifted to anger and hatred towards him - no more love and compassion right now - and it's really frustrating to me because I am so helpless in this situation. If my theory is correct - and I sure as heck hope it's not - then I may have some legal rights in all of this, especially if I end up testing positive next month. It seems unlikely that I will at this point, but it is possible, and I have a right to certain information. I've emailed my ex, asking for the contact information for this guy in case I do end up testing positive.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so helpless. Am I supposed to just let this all go and walk away from it all? Carry around all this pain and all these questions forever? Am I supposed to just accept the fact that I'll probably never know all the answers? Am I supposed to even think about forgiving him? Having a friendship again? How can I have a friendship with him when he a) did this, and b) possibly knew exactly what he was doing and the risk he was putting me in? How much can one hide behind mental illness to absolve themselves of responsibility? Am I just to accept that he's "messed up" and ignore the possibility that he manipulated this entire situation and the thought that the suicide attempt was probably the best way to manipulate sympathy out of people? I don't know what to do, in action or in my mind. I really feel like I'm going to lose it.

I'm so sick of all these feelings, and I'm so sick of this consuming my mind. I try to do other things, but I can't focus on anything. This just takes over. By nature I tend to dwell on things, and I always live in the past and never look forward. It's my nature, and this is a really difficult time to try to fight my nature. I am sick and tired of feeling all of this pain and I just want it to stop and I know it won't anytime soon and I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry I write such long posts. I know it's annoying to read all of this. Thanks again if you are.