Being "depressed" has become part of my identity... but i'm not actually depressed? Maybe i was at one point ... but over time have gotten better. Only problem is, I don't want to be "better" ... I feel "safe" feeling depressed.

I SI so i can confirm that there is something "wrong" with me. I make myself upset so that i can justify my thoughts of being depressed. I constantly want a T (or see a T) so that i can rationalize me being "depressed."

But what if I'm not? What if I'm just playing a huge game with myself? What could i possibly gain from making myself upset? What kind of person does that make me

A phony, a liar, a cheater in my own life?

I value the relationships in my life, but i continuously do things that push people away. I scare people with my SI. I probably make them feel like it's their fault, and they back off. But i don't want their pity. I want their love. And i'm getting the exact opposite.
By doing this, i'm only further isolating myself ... although, thats kind of the irony of a self-fulfilling prophesy isn't it? I act upset, I do things that make me feel upset, therefore I am upset.

Please, can someone tell me what is wrong with me? What on earth can i do to try and stop this? ... Can you help me want to stop this? I don't know how else to live ... I don't know how to be happy, because in some twisted way this makes me happy - but happy in the sense, that i can continue to live up to this expectation of mine ... being miserable.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make any sense. And also if this is the wrong spot to be posting this.

Any answers would really help me out though.
Thanks, and I'm sorry if I've offended anyone ....

Tracy