I do go to meetings. It's so hard to open up in the meeting itself because of anxiety and people. Doesn't matter really if it's a big meeting or a small one.

I talk to people in recovery outside of meetings, but often I can't pick up the phone, again because of anxiety. I have a weird phobia of talking on the phone, most likely related to having ear/hearing problems. I prefer to text, but it is hard to really get the tone or severity across sometimes in text messages.

I feel like I make excuses all the time, but for me they are real reasons why I can't do certain things.

I got rid of what I had left, and am about to go to bed. Planning on a meeting first thing in the morning, before IOP. Gonna try to leave a message for the group T in the morning, before she actually gets there, so I don't have to talk to her over the phone.

I'm scared to go to IOP... I hate feeling vulnerable. I also self harmed, and had to get medical attention for that, and I'm terrified the group T is gonna suggest inpatient.

Going into the hospital doesn't help in the long term for me. Feeling locked up only makes things worse, and then I get released back to the same situation I'm already in, just with different meds. I feel like I am just a hopeless case at this point...

Feelings are not facts, I know, but it's so hard to convince myself that things will get better, when everything is collapsing all around me...