DadFMF,

When it comes to relationships and getting input from others, it's true that you will get advice based on that other person's personal experiences and observations. The truth is people actually begin learning about relationships when they are very young. When that happens, people begin learning to accept things as normal because it's what they are growing up with. However, there also develops insecurities depending on what a person sees and how their parents treat them too.

So, when you marry someone, you are already bringing in "some" dysfunction and insecurities you may not even be consciously aware of. This is true for both men and women.

For example, a woman can experience a father that not only treats the mother a certain way that has dysfunction in it, but he may also engage her in ways that she unknowingly accepts as normal. For example, if a father decides to challenge and argue with his daughter about what she knows or is learning without realizing it, she may end up picking a partner that challenges her the same way and she may accept that to a certain extent as normal even if this kind of relationship leaves her feeling unappreciated and she has to disconnect and distance from time to time which is what she also did with the father, and not only that but she may also experience low self esteem even if she is actually smart and did well in school. This can leave a hole she subconsciously tries to fix only to end up with someone that leaves her feeling the same "hurt" she experienced from her father which is something "she" will never truly change or fix. However, she remains dutiful on some level even when it's unhealthy for her. Not only that but this can also lead to her being envious of other women that enjoy a healthier relationship and she can carry shame thinking she simply was not good enough.

The same is true for men in what they observe taking place with their parents and how the mother behaves where they imprint some dysfunction that they think is normal or that they want to control and avoid. Also, they will observe the father's behavior and think some of his dysfunctional behavior is normal and is how to handle challenges or the relationship. So long before you met your wife and joined together in this marriage, you both already had some dysfunctional ideas and insecurities that affect the relationship.

That being said, when someone is struggling in a relationship and is looking for support, like here on this site, YES, that person will get an array of advice and it will be a bit opinionated.

When I came across your thread I could see a man that "wanted" his wife back and your thread was long and it had gotten to a point where posters were getting frustrated and IMO were saying "I already told you this or that so why are you still asking these questions".

Reading the posts that eskie put together was helpful in that IMO, I think you both love each other but the relationship you had together was slowly affecting both of your sense's of security. Unfortunately, when people's sense of security is affected they can begin to react in unhealthy ways that only make things worse.

From what I read with your wife deciding to take some time to go back to school and find something for herself to do you began to see that as a threat, it began to make you jealous and that definitely can happen, happens a lot too. IMHO, going all the way back to EVE eating from the tree of knowledge that created a problem for mankind, it's clear that for some reason it bothers men, NOTHING NEW here. Through so many generations this challenge has been handed down with all the dysfunctional ways this was handled. This problem/challenge is still very much a part of humanity in the present. So when a man and woman do get together, there is always some way this union and challenge is worked out and often how that is worked out isn't very healthy. So, you are not the first to struggle with this problem and all the "emotion and anger" that can present along with the "communication problems" because there are MANY MANY books written about that to try to help men and women live together in peace and harmony despite their difference because they ARE different, hence "Men are from Venus and Women are from Mars". Yet a major part of this difference is already in our human design DNA to procreate and this is part of "all" of nature. It's also important to remember that human beings are pretty fragile and take longer to grow and mature than any other species. Yet, for a long time human beings did not live as long as they live now and a lot of children died and a lot of women died trying to have children too. So with that alone there are things within us to compensate for that because "nature" itself is all about survival and EVE had to eat from the tree of knowledge so that she could develop skills to help protect the young if need be.

You have within you instincts that tell you to "protect" and in today's world that can often turn into how a man can feel threatened and insecure if the woman strays out of the "bubble" he thinks she should be in. Well, in today's world that doesn't work because in today's world often both man and wife have to develop skills that they can use that can contribute to the demands society now has to live a decent life and include doing so with the longevity achieved in human life now.

With that, you need to sit and think about the fact that women in general are encouraged to be more self sufficient and that requires the man to learn how to trust instead of feeling threatened when a wife tries to engage that more. Your marriage will not survive if you can't learn how to do that, it's that simple. You have to learn how to be more supportive to your wife as she make an effort to get an education where she can contribute financially and in so doing gain a sense of her own self esteem. If the wife feels trapped and punished for simply trying to be part of what society now demands of her where she can gain her sense of being part of that, she will break away in anger and she will most definitely come across others who will tell her to do just that simply because that's society's norm now. Your wife is now at the age where she has been feeling the pressure from society to engage in learning how to be more self sufficient. The days of her totally relying on you controlling the nest is no longer what is taking place in our overall society. Those generations where that was part of what was expected are over. Part of her message to you is saying to you that she is feeling the pressure to take on more, and she is probably a bit nervous and insecure about it too.

Part of what she is feeling is "pier" pressure because a lot of your piers are joining the new way of living where both women and men have careers of their own and have been learning how to balance the relationship and the family around that. It's too hard for the average family now to thrive on just one income. And your wife is going to use whatever she can to get to that point where she can be self sufficient and that doesn't mean she is a bad person. A healthier couple would be grateful to have a GI bill that contributes to their effort to seek that two income marriage. It should not be seen as her taking something "from you" either or that you are being the good guy for just giving her permission. And you are correct, it was wrong of you to engage in some online romance because "your" ego was hurt simply because your wife was taking time to find her way to become able to contribute and have a career. It was also wrong of her to react with having some kind of relationship with some married guy. That's about her own ego being hurt and not knowing what to do with her anger where she felt threatened.

IF all the two of you do is constantly focus on that, you will NOT move forward and be enlightened to the point where you become a team again and support each other towards having both contribute to the marriage financially and be allowed to develop a healthy self esteem from doing just that.

So, she reached out to you physically and you ended up having sex. But, that is not the fix, far from it, you both have to work on trusting each other, and supporting each other and understand the reality of surviving in society today and that it's healthier if both have a way to earn and contribute. If you can't do this and communicate toward this goal together, your marriage will simply not work. This is what your wife has been saying that she doesn't want to go back to and you BOTH need to work on finding healthier ways to communicate and put the toxic blow up and fall out behind you where the concentration is about how both of you experienced a hit to your self esteems.

Love is not enough, it's good to have it, but that in itself is not enough when it comes to learning how to "thrive" together in how society is set up in the present. Also, your children need to see how their parents can accept the new way society functions where both of their parents learn to have a career and feel good about their career and engage each other with support. This includes sharing with the house work, sharing with cooking the meals, and sharing with taking care of the children where it's NOT just babysitting but each of you spending "quality time" with your children while the other is trying to figure out how to become more financially independent. It's also important that you "plan" together ways to have quality time with each other too, a must for a marriage to stay connected and healthy and maintain a partnership. Your children are going to need to understand that because when they get to that point they need to know it's ok for each partner to have a career of their own and gain their own self esteem from that and have their partner support that. You don't want to hand them the dysfunction and insecurities that were somehow handed down to you and your wife, that will disrupt their ability to function better when they engage in understanding how to take part in the way society has changed where both parent is engaging in producing for the family to live a decent life.